Friday, December 5, 2014
In Everything I See
Sunday, October 12, 2014
The Challenge of Emuna
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Wanderlust
Give me words
Wishes
Wonderments
I have wanderlust
To get back to you
6000 miles
Might as well be to the moon
And back
For how far away we are
Cars can't cross oceans
And planes can't keep pace with my beating heart
As I beat with love for you
No expression
Of song
No imagery captured
Could hold as tight
To my need for you
I dream
I pray
I hope
To return home
When the wars have ended
When the hate has been erased
We will rebuild the broken walls
Lay foundations for a stronger future
And be everything we were meant to be
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Nature
That it never stays the same.
A blowing wind,
Changes the scene
The rays of the sun,
Give new definition to what's underneath.
And each changing season
Leaves a new interpertation to be (mis)understood.
The turning world
In the slowest of motions
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Be Strong
As you sit, slumped under the stars
Crestfallen as tears slide down your cheeks
And you wish you were in another life...
Sometimes life becomes to hard too bear
All the day to day pain and hurt build
An unsteady tower has become your safe haven
And when the moment comes, it will crumble
But lean on me for support
I will hold you during your hardest times
I'll build a foundation to keep you from falling
There will be no fear of destruction
But... if I don't hear your pain
I cannot come to heal you
If you don't cry; keep it inside
Then I won't know where to look
So while you are hurting and want to hide
Just pick up the phone, call me anytime
I will be waiting patiently to hear your voice
Until then... my child... stay strong.
I wanted to be strong enough, still sometimes being strong can be the hardest thing to do...
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have...
Friday, September 17, 2010
Just a Little Bit- Chipping Away at our Block of Ice
1. Vidui Peh- admittance of our actions outloud
2. Charata al ha'ever- regret for our actions
3. Kabalah al ha'asid- accepting upon yourself to change
4. Azivas ha'chait- Letting go of our previous actions.
Obviously, the enormity of this list cannot be denied. These are the the very steps that will IYH merit us another year of healthy and happiness.
But then he told us to draw a big X through our written last.
There was an audible gasp. In all my years in school, we had never been told to cross out that list. It is pivotal to our existence! We were almost up in arms with this Rabbi.
And then he really brought us down, to see how unbalanced our perception of this list is.
We can write it down a thousand times. We can know the Hebrew terminology and be able to write it down verbatim, spit it back when asked and quote it whenever. But do we REALLY implicate in our lives? Do we REALLY do Tshuva?
He then went on to explain how we don't need to wait until Yom Kippur. Begin the Tshuva process before. When we come to Yom Kippur, we often feel weighed down by all of the sins we carry with us into Shul. We stand before Hashem, our backs bent, beating our chest in submission. There is a huge block of ice on our backs... but should it really be so heavy? Why not begin to chip away at that ice before Yom Kippur? Why not begin repentance, true tshuva beforehand? If it means a more meritorious judgement, what is stopping us from beating our chests earlier? What is stopping us from going to Hashem on a regular Thursday or Tuesday and saying "Hashem, I made a huge mistake. I am so sorry for what I did. All I desire is to be close with you. Please forgive me for my actions so that I can come to closer to you. It's all I want."
And isn't it in truth? Hashem is our Loving Father. He so badly wants a relationship with us. But when we sin, we drive a wedge between ourselves and Hashem. It builds walls, higher and higher that we only add to unless we take action. Tshuva removes these walls. Tshuva stops bricks from being added to what is blocking us from Hashem. We must take the time now, in these precious few hours before Yom Kippur and do Tshuva. Think about one thing you did wrong... yesterday, this past week, month and year. Go to a quiet place. Talk it out with Hashem. Tell him how badly you want to be close with him and how sorry you are about what you did. And don't just say it. MEAN it.
Come to Yom Kippur a bit lighter, cleansed and ready to show Hashem that you are worthy of being inscribed in the Book of Life.
IYH we should all be judged for a good year full of health and happiness. May we only we of b'suros tovos in Klal Yisroel and all those who need a refua, find one speedily.
Gmar Chasima Tova.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
The Preciousness of Time and the Year to Come
But maybe, He thinks we are trying as hard as we can and we deserve another chance.... maybe He so desperately wants to write us down for life and we just need to push, pray and beg from the depths of our souls for this chance.
Maybe...
It's almost Rosh Hashana... Yom HaDin... we are being judged by the only being whose opinion matters.
Will He judge us for good?
There are 8600 seconds in a day. 8600 chances to do great things. In EVERY SECOND of the day we can perform a mitzva... simply by accepting Ol Malchus Shamayim.... simply by saying I LOVE HASHEM with our whole heart, our entire being. The Six Constant Mitzvos may seem simple and unimpressive compared to all the grander chesed we can perform but moments before Rosh Hashana, those six mitzos can mean the difference between life and death. It can mean another year.. or not.
Another year IYH will greet us all. Will we rise to the occassion and serve Hashem as best we can? Will we love Hashem with our entire being and fulfill His mitzvos? Or will we ask Hashem "Zachreinu L'Chaim" simply because it sounds better than the alternative?
Tomorrow is the last day of 5770. Take the time, however much or little you can give and do a chesed, a mitzva. The positive things you do tomorrow will stand by you forever. When you go up to the Final Court, after 120 years, the good things you did today and tomorrow will stick like glue to you. They will defend you. And perhaps doing a chesed tomorrow may involve some discomfort. But is a few minutes, or maybe an hour of discomfort in this world worth more than FOREVER in the next world? Or is a few moments of sin worth giving up Olam Haba?
Time... however much we were given we must utilize to the fullest. For Hashem. For others. For giving reason to give us life.
And when you stand before Hashem will you be able to show Him you deserve more time?
Tomorrow... Yom HaDin... I'm not perfect. I know it. I have wasted time, let time pass without doing something with it... But I know that I will do my best to utilize it to the fullest should I be granted more.
Hashem... Zachreinu L'Chaim.... V'Chasveinu L'Chaim....
Kesiva V'Chasima Tova to all. May this coming year be one of bracha, hatzlacha, parnasa, yeshusha and simcha for all of Klal Yisroel
(Based on a speech by R' S., R' Wallerstein)
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Why Are You Throwing Yourself Down a Staircase?
At a school Shabbaton, speaker Chevi Garfinkel, took what I think to be a different approach on this theme. She explained that when you are caught in a sin, whether it be stealing chocolate from the pantry or engaging in something more sinister, and you think you can't break out of it, you can! Simply continuing those sinful, harmful and painful acts is like throwing yourself down a staircase!
Ok, I get it.
You try it once, and dive down a flight of stairs. Wow! That was fun! Only a few bruises and broken finger. let's try it again!
Not!
That's just ridiculous! If a friend told you she was doing that, you would think she is crazy! Yet... maybe you do that sorta of thing --throwing yourself down staircases-- in your own life, in the figurative sense... giving into human desires, succumbing to the Yetzer Hara and just following his twisted will again and again and again... and you know it's wrong but you keep giving in.
If you have been following my posts entitled Conversation 1, 2, and 3, you can see my struggle, albeit in a vague way. If you haven't picked up on it yet, that's my inner conversation with the Yetzer Hara (Evil Inclination). Lately, I have felt like I have been throwing myself down a staircase. I just thought, "Hey, why not?" and kept doing it. Not smart. Though it wasn't real, I was still in pain. And now I am trying to mend my broken body... well, my soul. I did some damage but I am going to fix it.
So now, look at yourself... have you been throwing yourself down a staircase? Now is the time to pick yourself up and resolve to climb those steps instead of crashing down them. I wish you all the best. I'll see you at the top soon...
Saturday, March 27, 2010
My Bloody Experience
A friend and I were supposed to go out for coffee and she said she was giving blood after school. I said I was too and we realized we were going to the same drive. So we went together. I had made an appointment for six ox'clock, not realized I would get there so early. I "read" the information booklet (way too graphic for my tender Bais Yaakov mind) and took a seat. The drive we went to was MAJORLY understaffed and only four donations seats were set up.
I waited for what seemed like HOURS til I was called in for questions. I went through the whole song and dance of answering my name, birthday, address and age and handed in my donation card (O Positive!) And then, the lady asked for my parental form because I am not 17 (ok, now you know my age). I explained that I had already given before. She said I needed the form. I asked if I could call my mother and have her speak with my mother. She said I needed a form. I stormed out of the cubicle, ranting to the girl I came with. I called my mother who said it was kinda stupid. But I ended up going home to get my form because I did not wait all that time to not give blood. I went home, got the form, returned to the drive and put up a whole stink that I needed to go back... I was first... half an hour later.
After answering the questions AGAIN and taking the quiz (which I think all respectable Bais Yaakov girls should be excused from) I went to the waiting area to give blood. Twenty minutes later I sat down in a right armed chair even though I gave left armed the last time. The needle was SO painful as it went in. Now you are expecting me to say I passed out, but NOPE! I don't really do that. It just REALLY REALLY hurt... My friend brought me apple juice, and only after I started drinking did I think to look for a hechsher, and guess what! It wasn't kosher. The blood drive, IN A SHUL (well, not a frum one AT ALL) was serving NON KOSHER APPLE JUICE! My friend called her rabbi to see if it was ok, i called my sister, was texting meanwhile, pumping with my right arm and freaking out cuz I was late to work... And then the lady who was taking the blood said my blood wasn't coming out. I was ready to plotz. She rearranged the needle (OW!) and eventually, after a bit more rearranging, said my blood was no good because it wasn't coming out. After two and half hours of waiting I only filled the bag 3/4 of the way.
Then, after not drinking anything except one small waterbottle for two hours, I went to work till 10:30, didnt eat anything real, besides for the cookies at the drive (which were kosher) until around 11. I was up til one in the morning, and til today, I have a bruise on my arm... I had a lot of fun showing it to my friends in school and watching them squirm... *evil laugh*
So even though it wasn't a successful donation, I knew Hashem was testing me. It was hard to keep my cool, but on the bright side, my blood may be used for something like testing and I can give again in less than two months! And I did learn a lot from this drive....
1. If your sister says she had to wait two hours to give, don't go to the same drive
2. CONSTANTLY DRINK! I hadn't which probably was why my blood wasn't coming out.
3. ALWAYS CHECK ANYTHING BEFORE EATING! Since moving to my current location I have gotten really comfortable knowing everything I eat is kosher and I can go to an all-kosher supermarket and everything I touch is kosher, but as always, I still should check.
In the end, it wasn't so great, but Baruch Hashem, I did learn a few things... and I have an awesome story to tell and a beautiful (not so purple anymore) bruise to show off...
And that my friends was my bloody experience... Hope you didn't pass out!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Speaking Yeshivishe
I had a very rude awakening the other day
There in class I sat so sweetly
Like the good student I am
Until I was shocked completely
We were preparing for a test
That is months and months away
But they decided we had to start preparing
On that very day
I listened as I should (or we could pretend I did)
In that Ivrit learning class
Cuz if I didnt pay attention
This test I wouldn't pass
Shem etzen and shem to'ar
Were the topic to be discussed
And I thought I knew it well
Until my thoughts were rudely mussed
For if Ayin, as in an 'eye'
Is a female noun
Then it has to have a female adjective
To take it to town
So Ayin Hara is not correct
And in my yeshivishe lingo I thought I sounded so shtark
Until my teacher kindly decided
To ignite a furious spark
The proper way to speak this phrase is Ayin Hara'a
And all this time I had it wrong!
Well in a sense I was right
Cuz I was speaking yeshivishe all along..
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Must Be Hard (It's Only Four Years)
It must be hard
Living in the dark
Living in the lies
That you're constantly fed:
No one cares
No one understands
No one is listening...
Society has warped you into believing
That you are alone
That everyone is against you
And you must face your raging battles
Alone
With no assistance
Or help from anyone...
I feel so sorry for you
That you believe such lies.
Enemies?
Are you facing an Arab
Straight in the face?
Because if not,
There is no hatred so strong in a person
That you could call someone an enemy
Or they could consider you the same.
It's only high school,
Or didn't you know?
In four years you'll be done!
In four short years,
Though they seem so long
All the pettiness:
Jealousy, envy, greed and hatred,
Will wash away with time
Because thank the One Above
Girls grow out of their insecurities
And stupidity.
Don't fall prey to the
Drama! Intensity!
Because honestly,
They are only trying to make their lives seem
More interesting, more exciting
When really
They are just like everyone else.
So now you're sad,
Now you're upset...
What are you going to do with those emotions?
Wallow in them?
Bury yourself beneath their false comfort?
Indulge in them and let them consume you?
I think you know better than that...
Find someone to talk to...
There is always someone...
A friend, a teacher...
And when you can't find someone you can see
Turn to the One who is always there
And always waiting to hear from you.
Don't be another girl
Who lets what others think of her
Create who she is.
Paint your own life,
Write your own story
And if you wish,
Leave out the parts
About the other girls
Who were simply foolish to believe
That it was all about them.
Friend... I believe you are hurting.
I believe you when you say things are hard
But that doesn't mean you have to drown within those thoughts
Channel them to make yourself do something!
Let them guide you to a better place,
Let that hurt, that pain
Lead you into the comforting arms
Of the One who cares the most.
And after you have done that
Do me a favor
Let me know how it goes.
With love,
Your friend
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Kid! (Inspired by "Oh The Places You'll Go)
I wrote this poem a while ago, I think to cheer myself up. Was going through a rough time and was trying to write some self-made chizuk... So here it is... hope you find something chizuk-y in it too.
Kid! (Inspired by “Oh, The Places You’ll Go”, by Dr. Seuss)
Kid, you cry,
But why?
Did someone die?
Did someone say goodbye?
Kid, why?
Why oh why?
Why do you cry?
Wipe your tears,
I’ll remove your fears,
Sure, life isn’t crystal clear,
But I’m always here,
And He’s everywhere,
He’ll lend you his ear,
You’re His precious child, so dear.
Come near me,
Listen close: you can be,
Everything you want to be,
And everything you see,
Is there for the taking, it’s all free,
Just call out with a plea,
Then go on a spree!
But be careful, watch out,
Some bad things may be about,
You’ll scream, you’ll shout,
Trapped in despair and doubt,
But a chance for hope will sprout,
To pull you from the aching-breaking drought.
Step left, step right,
Push through the darkness and see the light,
You’ll emerge victorious from this night,
Kid, just fight!
You got the power, you got the sight,
To soar to the highest height,
To be free from your plight,
And even though they may scorn and spite,
Kid, you’ll be all right!
You have the power to achieve good!
You know what to do, exactly what you should,
And I knew you could!
Pull down your angry hood,
You make think you’re misunderstood,
But you can still do good!
Do what you want to do,
But do it for you,
No one else has to have a clue,
Cause you’ll always make it through!
Kid, you are scared but true,
So real, it scares me how much you grew,
Kid, you soared! You flew!
You always had the power in you!
Sometimes you may fall,
But hear my call,
“You will once again stand tall!”
“You’ll get through it all!”
You may suffer, you may have to crawl,
You may fight or end up in brawl,
Or walk down a dark, despondent hall,
But my name, my love, you will recall.
So today you are afraid,
But kid! You’ve got it made!
My love for you will never fade,
You will never be betrayed,
For you, I prayed,
And together we played,
Then fell laughing in the shade.
The time spent with you, I would never trade.
Kid, I love you!
Don’t you see it’s true?
I’m crazy about you!
And you know what to do,
Get away from the sadness, you’ll pull through,
And if I'm lying, so sue!
But you and I together, just us two,
Together we will pursue,
And fight and fight, the whole night through,
Kid, you’ll emerge victorious, it’s true!
And I’d do it over… just for you.
Kid. I love you.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Doesn't Last Forever
(Though it took some time)
I thought it might be nice
To put it to a rhyme...
Lost some money
Was feeling blue
Do these kinda things
Ever happen to you?
My brain goes a little fuzzy
And I forgot where it was
But there must have been a reason
Could it be cuz...
I gotta learn that material doesn't last forever
So I can't really hold on,
Not to say I shouldn't be upset
And simply say "so long!"
But to realize and see
It's all in Hashem's control
And all of these happenings
Are part of a bigger goal:
To see so clearly
With wide open eyes
That losing things, but seeing why
Is really winning the prize
So Baruch Hashem
The money was found
I am feeling much better
And now joy is abound!
Happiness and
Peace of mind bring
The clarity to see
And reason to sing!
So yea, this made me sad
But now I am as happy as can be.
So...
I can smile for a friend
And mean it honestly.
Shining friend
It's all a bit rough
But life's little lessons
Are making me tough
Another day awaits me
With more struggles to win
Friend, you've given me strength
To overcome and still grin!
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Climbing Mountains
Lately, I haven't been doing so well... lack of sleep and too much work can make a person think some bad things...a friend told me the other day "sheva yipol tzadik vakum." Now, I know I am no tzadik, but all these falls and struggling to get back up are helping me to become one-- someone who sees the struggle and understands that it isn't a reason to stumble rather, a reason the work even harder to rise above them and climb ever higher. I was reading "Mountain Climbers,"
by Malky Feig this Shabbos. The stories presented there express challenges we all are faced with at one point or another in our lives, or know of someone who has... Mountains say a lot about the past of Klal Yisroel... many major events in our history took place on, by, or near a mountain... Akaidas Yitzchak... Matan Torah...Binyan Beis Hamikdash... Churban Bayis Rishon and Sheini... Eliyahu and the false prophets... so is it any wonder that when we discuss struggles and difficulties we parallel those things to that of a person climbing a mountain? Those events on our history represented different stuggles-- Avrohom sacraficing his son and Yitzchak, willing to let it happen.... recieving the Torah after two hundred and ten years in Mitzrayim; Klal Yisroel throwing all their faith and belief into Hashem completely... building the home of Hashem... as well as watching it being destroyed... Eliyahu, one man amongst many who didnt believe, trying to make them see truth... Mountain climbers, struggling to bring Shem Hashem into the world through incredible trying situations... Climbers simply don't see what is in front of their faces-- rocks and dirt, instead they see the summit at the top where they can look around and gaze at the wonders of the world... Our Avos suffered greatly but they didn't see just their present situation, they saw the future where their actions would influence others to make the right choices!Friday, October 30, 2009
What Comes With?
To stand before the king.
He came to his friend,
Fearful and worried.
His friend, with great tact and love said,
"Well, good luck! Can't come with you,
But, you know... enjoy!"
The man, dejected and upset,
Went to another friend,
His eyes brimming with tears.
This friend said, "I understand,
And I want to help you.
I will walk you to the gates,
But that is as far as I can go."
Finally, the man went to a third friend
Feeling somewhat hopeful,
But not entirely placated.
This friend, with a fire in his eyes told the man,
"I will take you to the end.
I will hold your hand
While you stand before the king.
Don't be afraid.
I'll be with you. I won't leave you."
The man went to the king.
He waved goodbye to his first friend-
He wasn't coming with.
He walked with his second friend,
But parted at the gate of the palace.
He went in with the third friend,
And they held hands before the king.
I keep hearing this mashal in many forms, in many places, from many people. The nishmal is as follows.
After 120 years, we are called before the King. Scared, we cling to our possessions, we hold on to our material wealth. But sadly, the money earned, the clothing bought and the electronics used, don't come with us. They wave goodbye as we go into the next world.
But we don't make our way to Shamayim alone. Our friends, our family, accompany us as far as they can go. The levaya is their way of taking us to the gate, they take us to the grave, and wave goodbye, for that is as far as they can take us.
So what accompanies us before the King if our possessions are left behind and our friends can't go pass the gates?
Our mitzvos. Our deeds, our actions, our tefilos, our tzedaka. That is what takes us before Hashem. Our mitzvos hold our hand, they refuse to let go. The more mitzvos we have, the stronger their hold is, the more comforting they can be for us when we stand before Hashem on Yom HaDin.
I dont know about you, but this really spoke to me. Sure, while we are on this earth, we buy things, we earn money... but if we don't use those things for mitzvos, they are worth nothing. if we don't donate our used clothes to a gemach, or give maaser from our earnings, then those things are worth nothing! And during our life, we make friends, and accquanitices, we have a family, siblings, relatives, and as much as they love us, they can only accompany us to the gates. Once we go into the grave, that's it. After we are buried our friends can't go with us! Only if we comfort our friends, help them when they are need, learn torah with someone or refuse to listen loshon hara, can our friends "go with us." The mitzvos we gain through our friendships are the only thing that will speak for us before Hashem. Our mitzvos our the only things that will stand with us before Hashem.
After 120, don't you want someone to hold your hand before Hashem?
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Lessons on Life Learned in Math Class
Really, I am posting it more for me. I really need the chizuk right now, and if anyone has more to share, feel free!
Lessons On Life Learned in Math Class
1. There is logic to everything
a. to every math problem there is an answer, even if I don’t know it
a. if I don’t understand variables, I cant solve inequalities (which happens to be what I am learning in math now)
b. If I don’t know how to accept mussar or chizuk, I’ll never know how to overcome challenges
3. There are tools to help
a. If need be, I can use a calculator, protractor, ruler etc. so solve problems
b. One word: Torah
4. There is always someone who will know more than me
a. There will be times when I won’t know how to answer. When that times comes, I can ask my teacher for help
b. Times of trial are inevitable. When these situations arise, there is only one person I can to turn to for help. Hashem