Too

I am trying to

Though

Therefore

I doubt

I shall

Perhaps

Carry on

Onto

Unto

The wondrous

Ridiculous

They who

Ridicule

Are simply

Too scared

Yet

YET

Are

We

There

Yet

Something

Someone

Somewhere

It's just

That I

Don't really know

But

My mind

Made up

To try

So

I shall.

Conundrum of the Klal

I just took one final, had an iced coffee, the sun is shining and I feel really good right now... So while my head isn't feeling low, I think I can properly articulate some of the thoughts in my head... 


A few days ago, I was informed of the passing of a young man, after his long battle with cancer. At first, he was a name I knew by association, and by that alone, I was upset. Then I discovered the face behind the name and the hurt was so much more.
By association, this has been a rough year. The passing of a child, of a fighter in no small deal. It signifies a life cut short, when there was so much potential and so much promise. So yes, it hurts.
But then I think... does it hurt, solely because I know the children who passed? Has this year been a rough one for me because of the affiliations I have? Or has the Klal as a whole taken too many bullets... literally and figuratively. The Fogel family... the bus bombings... car accidents... cancer... Is it really all of epic proportions, or only because I know of the national and personal tragedies?
At the same time... all the pain I experience, the news that I must learn to accept (and cry over) someone else has there own portion of problems and pain to deal with...
So then perhaps it really hasn't been a "tough year" for just me.... just this family I am involved in... but... everyone?
If there were a measure, a scale, a ruler for pain, would we all be on the same mark, weighing in the same? Or does each person measure differently? The tragedies afflicting our people are great. We are the victims of media persecution, religious opposition, self hatred and assimilation. We suffer from the hands of others, the hands of our own, and from the hands of forces we cannot control. Bombings, cancer, shootings... The list is quite endless... Is this a hard year only because we are a part of _____________ and thus there are certain inherent "side effects" of being associated with such an organization?
Is it just a "hard year" for the klal? i mean, we take a hit each time we hear about a camper... but it's only those within the family.. and because it's those we know, it hurts even more... my friends who arent involved arent going through it... 

For the klal, its definitely been a tough year... but is it that much more painful because of our involvement with ________________ and the sensitivity of knowing that not every child will be healed?

Is it a "tough year" because of the profound loss we have experienced or this is normal for us...? I can't recall being so cognitive of pain and loss and suffering. Is it because I never noticed before? Or because it's so much closer to home? Or because the intensity of which we are being struck has increased?

Hearing all this bad news... all this loss... makes me feel so... helpless. It makes me more aware of a being, far greater and more powerful than I. It makes me realize, I am not in control. No one really is. Not the soldiers, the leaders, the doctors... It makes me realize I have no one to rely on during these times but Avinu She'Bashamayim... Because if I can't rely on him, then from whence shall salvation come?

Not sure how much sense this post makes, but it sorta of accentuates the fact that all of this is so incomprehensible and really, there is no explanation that man can give... at least we can try...

Fear

I felt that restrictive rope
Pull tighter around my already constricted throat
As I gasped for another breath
A vain attempt for another word of mine to be heard
Yet, pressed into submission at the lips
They never got farther than my parched tongue
Caught in the chained confines of my vocal chords
With no means to escape, except a pleading look
Yet, not enough, I hold my hands in defeat
Fall, crumble to my already bleeding knees
As I watch you take yet another precious belonging of mine
Whisk it away, laughing on your chariot of gold
Salty, hot tears slide down my fiery red cheeks
Burning trails, leaving stinging pain in my blood stained eyes
You held me prisoner, held back from all I loved
A demon, so monstrous... the ruler named Fear.