Blessing

I bless this part of me

This pulsating part of me

That hurts like hell

But reminds me why

I am here

It feels like fire inside

And stings like a thousand swords

But I pause

To bless it

Because without it

I would be

Just another pile of dust

Or a lifeless breath of air

A wave in the wind

Just saying goodbye

And so I 

Say this blessing

Of thanks

And giving

Of this reminder

Why I am living

For all the hills

Hurt

And hate

Will carry me

Like walking on knives

To that relief of happiness

Heartbeats

That feel like a song

Melodious

And magical

I bless myself

For you have blessed me

And I will be a vessel

To carry this goodness

To others

Pass this blessing

To the world...

I Like to Feel...

I like to feel

A thousand emotions

A pounding storm

A racing heart

A slow trickle

A hard hit

Slow dance

Small secret

Deep wonder

Below

Everything

Is anything

The possibility

Of becoming

A mirror of myself

Or a feeling figure

Contained in this flesh

Bound by skin and sinews

But if you

Cracked my bones

I would not shatter

For the matter

Of dust

Is simply where I came from

And where I will return

.

This Place

I am here
At this placed called
Now
And I wonder
How
Did I get here
Miles from where
I intended be
Reading this map
That's outdated
Never updated
But should somehow
Guide me
Show me
Where I need to be
I am following
Unpaved roads
Don't know
Which direction
And without discretion
I am asking strangers
Talking to scarecrows
And skipping merrily
But I am terribly
Afraid
That I might end up
On the wrong side
Of the story
And will fade
Without glory
Alone

Up to the Clouds

As the end of my semester comes to a close, I am starting to feel the pressure. The stress. The anxiety. It’s building up. I am trying to find time to just wind down, space out, and not feel so focused so that I don’t completely lose it. It’s hard to find the balance between totally frying my brain and just relaxing. In seminary we learned that you can’t just “space out”. We were here for a purpose, and tuning out isn’t going to help us accomplish anything. But I digress.

A video recently went viral that has made me rethink my values and goals. If you haven’t seen it, stop reading this and watch:

I first saw Clouds and affect on me. Watching Zach struggle with cancer and still be able to maintain such an uplifting and positive attitude was inspiring. As he says in the video, “You don't have to find out you're dying to start living.” Life is  challenging. No one questions that. But to tune out and turn off is simply letting yourself succumb and in succumbing, you won’t succeed. Sometimes we forget how closely those two states are:

Watching this video, I am reminded of my own mortality. Zach knew that he had an expiration date on his. Less than a year or so. Me? It could be today. Tomorrow. (Hopefully, 120) I don’t know. In one of my psychology classes, we were discussing death. I, in all innocence (ok, mischeif), asked, “Why are people afraid to die?” The teacher responded, “In this classroom we could have many different reasons for each person!” I wanted to know what they were. Uncharacteristically of the class, everyone raised their hands to give their answers. Answers varied from “not having enough time,” “having to say goodbye,” “the actual moment,” “not acoomplishing everything I wanted to.”

It was intense and overwhelming. We spend so much time avoiding these kinds of conversations. When I tell people about my career choice, working with children with terminal illnesses, they cringe. Is it because of the sadness of working with a sick child or because they know they have to face their own mortality? I would venture to say it is a bit of both, but I am of the opinion that the work I will do will provide joy into that dark world and brighten an otherwise terrible situation. When you focus on living, REALLY living, death is merely just the next challenge. To quote: “To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

Zach embraced this. By writing and singing his songs, he left his legacy for people to learn from. Seforim epitomize this concept. The author may have passed on, but his memory is carried on forever. When we remember him, it is not for the tragedy of his death, but for the legacy of his life.

So the question is, with every challenge we must face, what legacy will you leave behind? How will you be remembered? What sort of life will you live, so that when people think of you, they think of your accomplishments and success?

Hmm..

Daven for Danielle

I met Danielle this summer in camp. Despite being paralyzed on one side of her body, Danielle exuded an energy that was so vibrant and bright. She took everything in stride, was never without a smile, or without a crazy colorful wig. To say she lit up a room when she entered would not be an understatement. Daniella, even though she was suffering, was full of life.
But now Danielle is hanging on for dear life. She is currently on life support and the doctors want to take her off. The video below is the news story about her current situation.

But a life is infinite. Danielle's life is infinite. To take her off life support would be the cruelest thing, and as Orthodox Jews, this decision must be fought.
Here is a picture of Danielle in camp.

Please daven for Danielle to have a COMPLETE refua- Danielle Chaya bas Aviva

WhichWatch

I'm waiting
Watching my wrist
As the numbers stay stationary
But something moves
Telling me I am late
Early
On time
Past my prime
Or simply out of line
Perhaps
Flawed by design
Or
Perfection of my own kind.
Could twelve digits surround
As three hands move 'round
Make me realize
That even when I am lost
I can always be found
In the rhythmic pace
Of this tiny face
That sets the world straight
Keeping the same date
Or am I simply a prisoner
Locked up and trapped by
This intricate creation
That people say can "fly"
It's making me wonder
If it holds more power
In making me laugh
Or making me cry.

Systematic

I should have it figured out by now...
I become friends with someone, generally a few years older than me. We are closer than close at the beginning, shmoozing, calling, hanging out. It's great. Then we both get busy as real life comes around... and then there is the Silent period.
I, being younger, have other obligations. And she, being older, has her obligations. Then, I notice I miss her... we reconnect... but she is tired... it's rushed...
Then, the happy news. Engaged!
I shouldn't be shocked. Deep down, I know it's coming. It's not hard to see a huge train, covered in balloons, coming toward you. It's big, obvious and exciting.
But, I scream, I say Mazel Tov, I stop breathing for a second...
When my first "older friend" got engaged, I literally had a panic attack. I couldn't control my breathing, had to put my head between my knees. It was intense. Then, it became a more regular occurrence. I am still excited, happy for my friends...
As one friend put it, "Happy for her, sad for me." Cuz I am losing a friend. And some would argue, "No, that's not true!" But the friendship certainly isn't the same. I am not upset about it (after a few minutes). I accept it, try to keep up as best as I (and she) can, and carry on.
But then I think about the friendship we had... what more we could have had... and I kick myself each time that I didn't call more, visit more...
It's a system that I have fallen into, it's calculated and repetitious... Yet somehow I haven't quite caught on.

Mazel Tov! I am truly happy for you. I am so happy for the visits I could make, for the phone calls, video chats and jokes. Thanks for being you, funny, kind and sweet. You taught me a lot. Mazel Tov.

Defying Gravity

One of the beauties of Yiddishkeit (and a principle in Chassidus that I recently learned about) is the ability to take the good from the bad. To elevate that which is mundane to something pure, holy and beautiful.

Sometimes it's a stretch, sometimes it's debatable, but if you look for beauty, you'll see it. That being said, I was in the car today driving with some friends and we were listening to Wicked. For those of you who haven't heard/seen Wicked, you are missing out. The story is a bit sketchy, but the music is stunning and profound. Below are the lyrics to what I feel is a song that most people need to sing daily.

It's time to try 

Defying gravity 

I think I'll try 

Defying gravity 

And you can't pull me down!...

I'm through accepting limits

cause someone says they're so 

Some things I cannot change 

But till I try, I'll never know! 

Too long I've been afraid of 

Losing love I guess I've lost.

How often are we told "You can't," "It's not possible, don't try?" Do you realize how much of the world would be different if someone didn't swim against the tide and try the impossible? This past Shabbos in shul, my Rabbi was addressing the graduates of the congregation. He said, never stop being idealistic. Dream big. Don't let people tell you "you can't" stop you. Because if you do, you might never be the person you are destined to be. Sometimes, it seems impossible, but you have try defying gravity. Whoever said "it's impossible" never tried hard enough. (With the exception of nailing jell-o to a tree.)

Moving On

You know those flowery mashals about life being a chance to plant roots, sprout and burst forth, growing into something stupendous? As I reflect onto the past, I wonder how many roots I firmly planted and what sort of impression I left on the places I've been to and the people I've met.
Did I portray an image that I can be proud of in later years?
Did I help someone in need?
Was I a friend when someone was lonely?
That's one side of the coin...
On the other hand, every tree, in order to grow healthy needs some maintenance... some pruning and trimming in order to become tall and strong.
Clearing out years worth of papers, emptying shelves and boxes full of... "memories?" It's amazing to see the changes I've made, even when it seems like I remained stagnant.
But the time has come... I'm moving on. I'm taking a step into a brand new world, a less sheltered world. I'm traveling a road that I barely knew of.
I'm moving on from who I was... to who I can be.
So yea, I left some roots in my past... I planted some seeds of my own (I hope), but there comes a time to cut off the decaying branches, to clear away the rotting leaves to make way for new growth, new radiant foliage...
I'm moving on.

Priority

You're gonna need a piece of paper for this one...
Number it 1-5.
Now comes the hard part...

Number One write down your favorite family member... the person you think of when someone mentions the word "family". Did you write it? You can go on...

Number Two write down your favorite thing to do in your spare time... reading, writing, walking, singing. Write it. Wrote it? Good. Time for...

Number Three write down the one thing you would take if you had five seconds to grab something out of your burning house and run. Five seconds. One thing. (All living members of your house are safe outside, so don't write down a family member, cat, dog, fish... they are ok.) Did you write it? Great.

Number Four write down one thing people would unanimously say about you (a skill you have, personality trait...) Pick one... Last one...


Number Five write down what you think is the most important sense to have (Sight, taste, sound... etc.)

Did you finish your list? Hard to write, isn't it?
Well, now here comes the fun part.
Cross off one thing. You no longer can have it in your life.
Did you cross something off? Now do it again.

And again.

And again.

What's left?










Think about it...

It's A Mime's World

Sitting on the edge
Just a stranger staring in
Am I in this world
To succumb or to win?

My world painted
In black and white
No colors to shine
No expressions to delight

Just an observer
Watching the crowd pass by
No one bothers to notice
Acknowledge or say hi

So relentlessly I try
To make my presence known
With a show, so distinct
And all my own

Hands held in front
Submission, I portray
Perhaps surrendering
To take away the gray

Around and around
I pull myself in this slow dance
With slow movements
I feel stuck in this sick trance

I stand before the audience
Who don't notice or see
Am I really so invisible?
Am I really stuck in this reality?

I try
In my own silent way
To prove my existence
But no one notices, to my dismay

I pucker my lips
And cross my arms
Sit down and pout
But can't raise the alarms

Just silence, silence
Sweet silence, precious quiet
While inside burns
A raging riot

But ne'er shall I speak
The thoughts on my mind
They are things that people
Would rather not find

The twisting maze
With no way out
The screaming voices
With no way to silence their shouts

The grabbing hands
That reached for what isn't there
An answer to a question
So simple and clear

Black and white.
Separate and distinct
But in my world
Nothing is that concrete

It's all confusion
All a mess
And still I try
To do my very best

Why Are You Throwing Yourself Down a Staircase?

Over at Inspirational Information, Devorah wrote this post about not giving up when mitzvos are in front of you. Though you may have missed one, it doesn't mean you have to continue missing them.
At a school Shabbaton, speaker Chevi Garfinkel, took what I think to be a different approach on this theme. She explained that when you are caught in a sin, whether it be stealing chocolate from the pantry or engaging in something more sinister, and you think you can't break out of it, you can! Simply continuing those sinful, harmful and painful acts is like throwing yourself down a staircase!
Ok, I get it.
You try it once, and dive down a flight of stairs. Wow! That was fun! Only a few bruises and broken finger. let's try it again!
Not!
That's just ridiculous! If a friend told you she was doing that, you would think she is crazy! Yet... maybe you do that sorta of thing --throwing yourself down staircases-- in your own life, in the figurative sense... giving into human desires, succumbing to the Yetzer Hara and just following his twisted will again and again and again... and you know it's wrong but you keep giving in.
If you have been following my posts entitled Conversation 1, 2, and 3, you can see my struggle, albeit in a vague way. If you haven't picked up on it yet, that's my inner conversation with the Yetzer Hara (Evil Inclination). Lately, I have felt like I have been throwing myself down a staircase. I just thought, "Hey, why not?" and kept doing it.  Not smart. Though it wasn't real, I was still in pain. And now I am trying to mend my broken body... well, my soul. I did some damage but I am going to fix it.
So now, look at yourself... have you been throwing yourself down a staircase? Now is the time to pick yourself up and resolve to climb those steps instead of crashing down them. I wish you all the best. I'll see you at the top soon...

If Fluff Holds Us Together...

...What will keep us sticking if we throw it away?

Fluff... I got tons of it... I use for my research papers, for facades I put on for my friends, for respect I try to show my teachers... it's not real, it's just fluff! I used it when it came to my music and my books, things I read and things I watched--pure fluff.. overly sticky, never good in vast amounts, pretending to be all pure and clean, but really, if you stick your hand it, it's impossible to get out of... fluff...
Seems innocent, right? When it comes to fluff as a food, it's awesome! It's great for camping-- rice krispie treats, s'mores--yum delish, right? But in our lives, our day to day activities, it's dangerous.
You may think I am kidding... most probably you're reading this and thinking is this girl normal? Fluff? What in the world?! And you have every reason to think that... but think about this...
How often do we turn to falseness and transient things to fill our days... does it really hold us together? Or does it just get us into deeper, sticker messes?
So if we get rid of all our fluff, what will keep us together, hold us tight when we feel like falling...? What, if not fluff? There has got to be something, something stronger... and that my friends, is faith. Faith that giving up the fluff will make us fantastic people... (nice use of alliterations, don't you think?) Fluff... it's good... a little gashmius goes along way... but a lot of gashmius will only drag us into sticky, unsafe territory... so be careful how much fluff you spread on your life.

All Work, No Play

Out the door
I gotta go
Where's my coffee
Does anyone know?

Down the hall
Zooming past
I cant be late
To my next class

Running quickly
Rushing by
Can't catch my breath
I'm on the fly

"What time did you go to sleep?"
"Oh maybe half past two!"
"Man, that's late,
How much 'homework' did you get to do?"

"See you later!"
"I'll be there soon!"
"I haven't eaten,
Since last afternoon!"

Life of a teenager
A student, a friend
Sure, it's tough
Can't wait to know what's around the bend!

Lessons on Life Learned in Math Class

The nice weather the other day got me to thinking about how math and life are a lot alike. I wrote it down and wanted to share it with y'all (that's my southern accent if you couldn't tell)
Really, I am posting it more for me. I really need the chizuk right now, and if anyone has more to share, feel free!

Lessons On Life Learned in Math Class

1. There is logic to everything
a. to every math problem there is an answer, even if I don’t know it

b. to every life situation there is a reason for its occurrence, even if I don’t understand it

2. One things builds on another
a. if I don’t understand variables, I cant solve inequalities (which happens to be what I am learning in math now)
b. If I don’t know how to accept mussar or chizuk, I’ll never know how to overcome challenges

3. There are tools to help
a. If need be, I can use a calculator, protractor, ruler etc. so solve problems
b. One word: Torah

4. There is always someone who will know more than me
a. There will be times when I won’t know how to answer. When that times comes, I can ask my teacher for help
b. Times of trial are inevitable. When these situations arise, there is only one person I can to turn to for help. Hashem

Roller Coaster

I was looking for this for a while... I wrote it a while back but because I can't write anything else without getting frustrated/overwhelmed/AAAHHH!! I am going to post this... It has a deeper message... And if you find it, let me know! I wrote it with one in mind, but if you find another one, comment... Always looking for more chizuk.(seemed very appropriate to post this after i read this on another blog... well worth looking at for a new perspective)

Life is a roller coaster,
It has its ups,
It has its downs,
Every moment is a thrill to behold,
But no matter what,
Don't ever let go,
Because some parts of the ride,
May scare you,
Some parts may shock you,
But more often,
Most parts will fill you with joy,
With excitement,
With that endless need,
To know what will happen next,
So how could you possibly let go,
When around the bend,
Pass the loop-de-loop,
Is a new adventure.
And when the ride stops,
You are only filled with that burning passion,
The unquestionable wondering of,
What will happen next?
Which ride, which excitement,
Will i take part in?
And when you leave the park,
And enter the world,
Even more awaits you.

The Candyman

There are two reasons for this post, the second reason only came about because of the first. The first reason is, I wanted to sure a poem. I wrote it last year and if you read it closely you can find a very relative lesson that is applicable in every persons life... so read closely, take a moment to think about it, and let me know what you get out of it!

Between perilous slander
And mean fortune
Methinks nothing
But forswear a friend
Which idle change yield tantamount wicked
Only so we loathe
That which never learned our tender minds

The second reason for this post is because when I was locating the above poem on my computer, I found some notes from a speech I heard in camp. The way this speech worked was that the speaker stood in the middle of us (his audience) while we all watched a movie. Every so often the speaker would pause the movie and teach us how each part of the movie and explain how we could take a lesson from the movie. It was incredible to realize that something as gashmius-dik as a movie could have sparks of ruchnius that are so relevent and inspiring...
The movie we watched was the old version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. At the beginning of the movie, Charlie goes into the candy store and the owner breaks out into song and sings:

Who can take tomorrow, dip it in a dream
Separate the sorrow and collect up all the cream
The Candy Man, the Candy Man can
The Candy Man can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good

The speaker explained that the candy man is compared to Hashem. Hashem makes the world taste good. He could have made it bland and tasteless, He could have made food one taste and that would have been it. But Hashem wanted us to enjoy His beautiful world so He added flavors and tastes!
Now, while the above is nice to hear, I gained a different lesson from it based on my day. Hashem made the world taste good. But what tastes good to one person, may not taste the same way to another. Certain situations can be dealt differently based on the person who is experiencing it. Just like different candies taste good or bad to different people. For example, my mother LOVES the candy Good and Plenty… you know that weird licorice candy? Well, I cant stand it! It makes me gag. And while I like milk chocolate candy, and don’t like dark chocolate, my mother likes dark chocolate and doesn’t like milk chocolate… And a friend of mine HATES chocolate, while I love it! (But still I wonder, how can you not like chocolate???) So too, different situations and events sit well, or not so well with different people.
Life has different situations, events, people… and flavors… I think with time we all can learn to acquire the palate to enjoy them all, or at least manage them to swallow them politely.
(The actual lesson I learned in camp differed a lot from the above, which I just chapped around in like five minutes, but if interested, I can share the other one, which is really incredible and inspiring!)