Tears of Laughter

I hold back tears
As exposed fears
Become dreams and wishes
Hopes and prayers
Sent up in flight
Soaring through uninhibited souls
Like free fireflies in the night...

Forgetting about the chemo
The hair loss
The surgeries and permanent scars
There is a way to overcome
Every challenge you face
You will succeed and stand...

"What's your syndrome called?"
However you spell it
They all stand for strength
And fearless determination
Something to laugh about
And fight
Power and courage
You hold it all

Laughter and smiles
Shining through the clouds
And rainier days
Breaking through the pain
And troubling haze
There is a light

I keep holding back tears
I've learned to laugh in the face
Of illness and sadness
Because that which may bring you down
Is that which can help you
To stand tall
Build towers
And break down walls

Waiting

It's coming...
It's almost here...
You've been waiting...
Patiently,
So patient,
You have been...
Even though...
You don't know...
When it's coming...
Just keep...
Waiting...
And it will be...
So glorious...
So incredible..
It's almost here...
Whatever you've been waiting for...

Sing

Fragility
An inevitability
The uncertainty
In life
Flashing before our eyes
Still, do we realize
The preciousness of a moment
The value of a second
The incredible weigh
Of each minute we are given?

Watching illness...
Sickness... Death...
I can only hope to
Grab onto another moment of life
A smile, a laugh, a song...
Pain is real...
So is happiness.

I don't understand why
A little boy had to die
His soul was severed
And to the heavens he will fly.

I don't understand why
A whole nation has to cry
Over the loss of a child,
Who was at the height of life.

I don't understand why G-d
You let a man commit murder
And how all of our pain
Went one step further.

I don't understand
Cuz if I did, I'd be G-d
And then I'd have to remain
And not be able to explain
To a people why
A child was maimed.

I don't understand
And I'm glad that I can't
Cuz being G-d
Is a weight I cannot carry.

I cannot fathom how a thing like this could happen. How one Yid could murder another so brutally... how a child could be killed so young... how a people must yet again suffer a terrible blow...
Hashem... this is Your plan, and that is the only thing I can accept... Why you let him be killed... I don't know...
Leiby, your beautiful neshama should have an aliyah and your murder should be avenged...


RIGHT NOW: 11:00am Conference call at with Dr. Norman Blumenthal: How to speak to children to help them process tragedy. PLEASE MUTE YOUR PHONE. (209) 647-1600 access code: 236682

Once

I once believed
And was rudely deceived.

I once had hope
Now I can barely cope.

I once knew
Until I lost you.

I held onto a dream
That split at its seams.

I once thought I knew it all
And now I get to watch it all fall.

Staying Awake

I'll sleep when I die
I'm not ready to say goodbye
Let the moon accompany me
And the stars sit by my side
My eyes are staying open wide
I want to see the world
Experience each moment in time
To take all the seconds
And make each one mine.

Words fly off the page
With wisdom for the age
I want to soak in each word
Let my voice be heard
Singing songs of strength and power
Until my final hour
And only until that time comes
Will I admit I'm done
And so
I'll sleep when I die
Because I'm not ready to say goodbye.

Reject

I hit my head
To shake off the dust
The dirt and grime
Of too many years
Trapped inside old walls.

I kicked away the prison cell
To let the light in
Glimmering and sparkles filled
Every corner of my sight
And suddenly
I could see.

I banished all traces
Of rejection and judgement
Leaving only acceptance
And love
The things I used to hide under.
My prison wall

For how long could I be
Locked up
Within my own choices
And decisions to push away the rest
When all I needed to do
Was learn to take them in.

Film

The final showing
Of the biggest show
You are the star
Oh, you didn't know?
All your deeds
Meticulously recorded
Every detail
Filmed and sorted.
Seen before
An audience up high
Enemies and friends
Watching wide-eyed.
Smile wide
You're the star
I wonder if
You were up to par.

'Nuff Said

Story of my life....

Magic

Show me a trick
Can you perform a show
You may think that's magic
But how little you know.

Puffs of smoke
And sparkles in the air
For a waving wand
I have little care.

It's not about the cards
Or the rabbit in the hat
There is magic out there
Far more fascinating than that.

If you look beyond the glamour
And all that glitters and shine
You will discover a type of magic
That is an exclusive find.

It's a spark that ignites
Between special souls and friends
That is burning strong
And doesn't end

It is a spell that is spoken
When different children with different abilities
Are as free as a performing
Swinging on a high trapeze

Magic, that you must experience
In order to know
Spreads its shine
And creates an endless glow.

Young

Do you want... for your child to love...
Giving...
Sharing...
Understanding...
Loving...
?

Do you want... for your child to...
Care for others...
Amuse others...
Enlighten others...
Change others...
?

Do you want... for your child to be...
A role model...
Admired...
Respected...
Loved...
?

Then...
Start them young...
Teach them young...
Educate them young...
It's all about..
When they are young...

Red-Handed

I caught you
Talking about me
When you didn't think
I was in the vicinity.

You said, "It's awkward,"
But really, I'm not mad,
Cuz what you said,
Made me sort of glad.

With all this struggle
It's nice to know someone is on my side
Because I didn't want things like this
Where I want to run and hide.

Perhaps it wasn't right
That I was the topic of your conversation
But what it comes down to
Is a matter of dedication

Escape

Running
For nothing
Everything.

Pounding
Cement and asphalt
Miles gone.

Chased
Or pursuing
Leaving you in the dust.

Burning
The sun on my neck
Red-faced and sweating.

Sticking
To the wicking shirt
Overheated.

Dripping
Energy drinks, water
Splashed, stained.

Aching
Shoulders to my toes
One more mile...

I don't care about the time
I care about crossing the finish line
Standing tall, or on my knees.

Nothing can stop me.
This is my moment.
My marathon.

Run when you can.
Walk if you have to.
Crawl if you must
But never, ever give up.

Please, Acceptance, and More

Glee - 118 - Pure Imagination
 
(Listen to this to get a feel of what this post is talking about...)

I have been going since nearly eight this morning... Put nearly 75 miles on the car in one day, and stayed within state limits. Spent over fifty dollars... (Got some fun stuff!)
But a few ideas in my head...

Do you have some spare time? Are you looking for ways to fill your day? Please make the effort to do a cheesed. For yourself, for a friend, for a stranger. There are so many areas where you can donate your time, and to so many worthy causes. To name a few... Chai Lifeline, Yachad, Ohel, Yad Eliezer, A Time, Gemach (Gown, chairs... endless really), Bikur Cholim, Misameach Chosson V'Kallah... (It's been a long day and the list is so much longer... one day I'll add more with links... but for now, Google-ing it shall suffice :) )

I was visiting one of my "families" today. They are Jewish but not Shomer Shabbos (don't keep full kosher). And while I was there, the mother offered me a drink. Initially I thought about the kashrus issue but I didn't mind a glass of water, but I had a water bottle so it didn't matter. But then she said, "if I put it in a red plastic cup, then you can have, right?" No judging, or strange treatment. Totally normal, and she totally understood. We're different... but, we're still the same... Kinda cool.

Lastly... do more. The world needs you to do more. To stand up for what you believe in. To make a change. To make a difference. And you may not think you can, but the littlest thing can have a huge impact, a ripple effect, and make a difference.

So, stop reading blogs and go do something... then come back and tell me what it was... and see the difference you make.

Blackout

What's a blood donation without a story to go with it?

I was supposed to give blood a few weeks ago, after being hounded by the Red Cross. Instead, I pushed it off til today. I walked in the mild heat to the donation site, went through the preliminaries feeling fine then laid down the give blood.

About three quarters through my donation, the lady asked, "how are you feeling?" I responded, "fine." Then, a few moments later, I leaned farther down on the bed, and the lady repeated her question. I responded, as a haze descended over my eyes, "There I go..." and passed out.

It couldn't have been more than 30 seconds but in that time, I had the deepest sleep and a dream (if only I could remember) only to wake up to a beeping noise and people staring over me. I began trembling and shaking and breathing rapidly. Not to mention the pool of sweat. Yum.

A lady was telling me it would be ok and offering me juice. Although the donation was at a shul and the rabbi had given blood earlier, I still asked if the juice was kosher. (I had a different experience where it wasn't and I was supremely peeved.) Anyhow, they finished the donation and I was slick with sweat and feeling dizzy. I made it to the refreshment table and took two bites of a cookie when I put my head down and a lady guided me to a bed.

I laid down for a few minutes until my mother came to pick me up.

And now, more than five hours later I am sitting in bed, fighting off the heaviness in my head and writing this post.

For a first blackout it was rather exciting and (?) exhilarating, but most certainly not worth the Carvel ice cream my mother bought me after the donation when we went to the mall.

It was still yummy though.

Power

Power does not consist in striking hard or often, but in striking true.


The whip is in your hand
You can call the shots
Watch as you deal another blow
And someone you love drops.

Take this staff
And beat until you get what you want
Your menacing presence
Is worst than any cruel name or taunt.

Beaten into subservience
Did things turn out the way you thought
You were the victor
Even though I ask "who fought?"

But when I needed you most
And you held me in you arms
Spoke soft and sweet
And resisted all harms

Your impact was far more effective
Then any slap you gave me
And sometimes I wish we could return
To how it's meant to be.

Systematic

I should have it figured out by now...
I become friends with someone, generally a few years older than me. We are closer than close at the beginning, shmoozing, calling, hanging out. It's great. Then we both get busy as real life comes around... and then there is the Silent period.
I, being younger, have other obligations. And she, being older, has her obligations. Then, I notice I miss her... we reconnect... but she is tired... it's rushed...
Then, the happy news. Engaged!
I shouldn't be shocked. Deep down, I know it's coming. It's not hard to see a huge train, covered in balloons, coming toward you. It's big, obvious and exciting.
But, I scream, I say Mazel Tov, I stop breathing for a second...
When my first "older friend" got engaged, I literally had a panic attack. I couldn't control my breathing, had to put my head between my knees. It was intense. Then, it became a more regular occurrence. I am still excited, happy for my friends...
As one friend put it, "Happy for her, sad for me." Cuz I am losing a friend. And some would argue, "No, that's not true!" But the friendship certainly isn't the same. I am not upset about it (after a few minutes). I accept it, try to keep up as best as I (and she) can, and carry on.
But then I think about the friendship we had... what more we could have had... and I kick myself each time that I didn't call more, visit more...
It's a system that I have fallen into, it's calculated and repetitious... Yet somehow I haven't quite caught on.

Mazel Tov! I am truly happy for you. I am so happy for the visits I could make, for the phone calls, video chats and jokes. Thanks for being you, funny, kind and sweet. You taught me a lot. Mazel Tov.

Cycles

Derailed
Left the trail
The system failed
And he bailed.

Misused
Abused
Stained and bruised
Nothing left to lose

Midnight pain
What more is there to gain?
A pawn in the game
Of sorrow and shame.

He lost fate
Was unable to create
And didn't care to wait
He fought, argued and debated

Another misfit?
On his own quit?
Are we unable to admit
That perhaps we caused the split?

Mistakes made
Debts paid
Roads paved
Lives saved.

Quiet

Hush
Just stop your chatter
And leave your scatter
For when the sun
Has newly begun
And the moon isn't awaiting your arrival

Just hush
All the thoughts that are racing
Because you can't keep yourself pacing
And your mind goes a mile a minute
Because for some reason you can't control it
And the hours slowly tick by

Please keep quiet
I can't bear another minute awake
And how much more of this can I take
Heart palpitations while I need sleep
Sweats and shakes when I want to drift into the deep
Of not being aware

Silence, I beg
My eyes can't remain shut
And another precious hour is cut
The glow of my clock
Reminds me of where I am not
And how badly I need to be

Just... hush...
I am a prisoner to
The choices I make and things I do
That seek to haunt
At absurd hours and taunt
And all I can do is hope for an end.

Hunger

Midnight hunger pains
Early morning shots in the stomach
Hungry... so hungry...
What can satiate
This thirst
This burning emptiness...
What flavor will quench my desire
And cover my palate in delight...
I take a bite
The pain is lessened
Masked with transparent comfort
Momentary safety
A meal is swallowed
Yet the hunger won't go away.
I am hungry,
So hungry.
Food does not fill me
Drink does not console me
Because the emptiness I feel within
Clearly reflects the even deeper emptiness within
Paired with the silence
Of the news longed to be heard