Compliments and Kochos

I think everyone needs to be told on a daily basis how special they are. Perhaps each person should have their own cheering squad celebrating their individual talents and strengths.

Every person has kochos that they can use to accomplish incredible things, and every once in a while, or maybe more often, they should be complimented and celebrated for them.

Have you been told today that you are a good person? Cuz I bet you are.

Have you been told this past week that you can accomplish great things? Cuz I bet you can.

Have you been told this past month that you will do amazing things if you set your mind to it? Cuz I bet you are able to.

I worry... for those who aren't told. Some may considering it compliment-hunting or ego inflation, but I think it's necessary for everyone, in order to have a healthy self esteem, to be recognized for their strengths and what they are good at.

I don't need constant recognition for anything I do. That would inflate my already huge ego (kidding), but a smile, or a thank you for a job well done is always appreciated.

And what about yourself? Do you compliment yourself when you get things right? Can you look yourself in the mirror and say I have talents, I have traits, I have kochos and I can use them for good? Of course, most importantly, you must recognize they are from Hashem but He wants you to use and appreciate your talents and strengths-- not belittle them and smush them under a hurting esteem. Bring them into the light. Let them shine a bit brighter. Don't berate yourself that you aren't good enough/talented enough/bright enough/special enough. Because you are!

So, do me a favor, compliment someone--or even yourself!- today...

My Bloody Experience

I wrote about the first time I gave blood here so I figured, why not write about the second time! Although the second time wasn't as successful, as you will soon discover... here goes...

A friend and I were supposed to go out for coffee and she said she was giving blood after school. I said I was too and we realized we were going to the same drive. So we went together. I had made an appointment for six ox'clock, not realized I would get there so early. I "read" the information booklet (way too graphic for my tender Bais Yaakov mind) and took a seat. The drive we went to was MAJORLY understaffed and only four donations seats were set up.

I waited for what seemed like HOURS til I was called in for questions. I went through the whole song and dance of answering my name, birthday, address and age and handed in my donation card (O Positive!) And then, the lady asked for my parental form because I am not 17 (ok, now you know my age). I explained that I had already given before. She said I needed the form. I asked if I could call my mother and have her speak with my mother. She said I needed a form. I stormed out of the cubicle, ranting to the girl I came with. I called my mother who said it was kinda stupid. But I ended up going home to get my form because I did not wait all that time to not give blood. I went home, got the form, returned to the drive and put up a whole stink that I needed to go back... I was first... half an hour later.

After answering the questions AGAIN and taking the quiz (which I think all respectable Bais Yaakov girls should be excused from) I went to the waiting area to give blood. Twenty minutes later I sat down in a right armed chair even though I gave left armed the last time. The needle was SO painful as it went in. Now you are expecting me to say I passed out, but NOPE! I don't really do that. It just REALLY REALLY hurt... My friend brought me apple juice, and only after I started drinking did I think to look for a hechsher, and guess what! It wasn't kosher. The blood drive, IN A SHUL (well, not a frum one AT ALL) was serving NON KOSHER APPLE JUICE! My friend called her rabbi to see if it was ok, i called my sister, was texting meanwhile, pumping with my right arm and freaking out cuz I was late to work... And then the lady who was taking the blood said my blood wasn't coming out. I was ready to plotz. She rearranged the needle (OW!) and eventually, after a bit more rearranging, said my blood was no good because it wasn't coming out. After two and half hours of waiting I only filled the bag 3/4 of the way.

Then, after not drinking anything except one small waterbottle for two hours, I went to work till 10:30, didnt eat anything real, besides for the cookies at the drive (which were kosher) until around 11. I was up til one in the morning, and til today, I have a bruise on my arm... I had a lot of fun showing it to my friends in school and watching them squirm... *evil laugh*

So even though it wasn't a successful donation, I knew Hashem was testing me. It was hard to keep my cool, but on the bright side, my blood may be used for something like testing and I can give again in less than two months! And I did learn a lot from this drive....

1. If your sister says she had to wait two hours to give, don't go to the same drive
2. CONSTANTLY DRINK! I hadn't which probably was why my blood wasn't coming out.
3. ALWAYS CHECK ANYTHING BEFORE EATING! Since moving to my current location I have gotten really comfortable knowing everything I eat is kosher and I can go to an all-kosher supermarket and everything I touch is kosher, but as always, I still should check.

In the end, it wasn't so great, but Baruch Hashem, I did learn a few things... and I have an awesome story to tell and a beautiful (not so purple anymore) bruise to show off...

And that my friends was my bloody experience... Hope you didn't pass out!

Another Thank You

Thank for the smooth sailing...
Well, smooth driving to see
The kids and families
That make me so happy...

Thank you for good weather
To drop off the Pre-Pesach presents
To the kids who need cheering up
I hope they feel better.

Thank you for time with a friend
Even if it's just an hour
Cuz its still one good hour
That we get to spend together

Thank you for letting me
To clear out the corners of my room and soul
To reach Yom Tov, with a clear mind
And achieve an even better goal...

Just a nice jumble of things on my mind. I have been reading a book that keeps saying you should find all the good in your day and write it down. This is from two or three days, but I think it still counts.... Of course, I have many other things to be thankful for but here are a few.

Share your own!

The Drive and The Driver

I just need this to work out... please let me plans go through the way I want... I must be on time! If only I had this.... If only....

Don't we all wish we could just grab control of the wheel of our lives, see where we're heading and steer in the right direction? Have you ever had those moments where you wished you could just take control and fix all your problems? Summer plans... jobs... problems with school... we don't know where they are headed but we wish we did and try so hard, so hard, to make things work.... We look down our list of things to do and hope, pray, BEG that they get done before time runs out... It's hard though, when we realize we are not the driver, only a passenger, and our job is to let the Driver, have full control.
We sit on the side while He masterfully guides us through dark passages and construction zones, parts of our lives that are difficult and parts that need to be worked on. He takes us to beautiful scenery and gorgeous locations, and it's good that way. Of course, there are times when we think the driver is making a mistake, "go left... LEFT!" And we scream, yell, and cry, "You're doing it wrong!" But eventually we realize, the driver knows exactly where he is going. Unlike us little people, he doesn't need a map or GPS to tell us the way.. He already created the route we need to follow!
I dont know about you, my dear readers, but for me, there are times when I feel like I driving through the darkest tunnel. I find myself groping around, trying to find a way out, and while doing so, cry over my misfortune at being stuck inside the darkness in the first place. I wish I could see where the tunnel ends, where the light is shining and everything feels ok again... and then I remember... why should I be afraid in the dark when the most caring, and loving Father is guiding me out? The journey may be difficult, but I am not the one driving... He is, and He knows the way...

Hakol bidei Shamayim.... Chutz Mei'Yiras Shamayim...
Nothing is in my control... Everything is under Hashem's control.

You Are Special

You are special!
Or didn't you know?
All the things you say you did
Were in order that you should grow!

You reached for the sun
When all your days seemed gray
Do you think that is reason
For me to just walk away?

You have kochos inside
I wish you wouldn't pretend aren't there
Because dear friend,
I really do care.

You are so special
I am so lucky that we became
Two friends who know each other
By more than just our last names

If you want me to walk away
I will, only because you wanted it so
But dear friend, you are special
And I will never let that, or you, go...

Life in a Box

Ever had the moments
That stand out in your day
Where you feel like you are stuck
With no way away...

Four walls surrounding
And no way out
No one even hears
The screams and shouts

You want to be released from
The prisoner walls
But who will come with the keys
If no one hears the calls?

Well find the person who packed
You there in the first place
Let Him in to see you
And He will smile at your tear-streaked face

He'll hold you close and keep you safe
He'll hold away the bad things that hurt
And give you things
That have true meaning and worth...

Just keep knocking...
He'll hear you

Always Thinking

The gears keep turning
The wheel keeps spinning
Can I get off for a second?
Just to catch my breath
To take away the nauseous feeling
Of going round and round
Not stopping.

You, her, them,
Everyone in between
I just want one second!
I can't balance it all!
The commitments, promises
Because there isn't enough of me
But I want to be there for all of you
So I will keep stretching my limits
And while I do
My mind will keep thinking,
Thinking of schemes
And rebellion
Because when the ball drops
And you're gone
I'll have to face the truth
Of what He wants from me.
Until then, I'll live in the fantasy
Of friendship forever
Which is why I hold on so tight
Because if I feel it
Then I can fake it.




Wow..... after giving blood, not eating, barely sleeping, I don't know where this comes from. I am happy right now, really happy. I lost my high today, but I am blissed out. BH life is good. It's hard, but if it we're easy, it wouldn't be life at all.... Thank you for the good days... IYH many more, and even more with Moshiach Tzidkainu... We need him so badly...

corner...empty...lonely...obsessed...you....dreams....wishing...surprise...questions...personal...lying...answers....honest....real...thanks...me....if.... when...why...dancing....falling...crashing...hoping...waiting...

I Am Thankful For...

I am thankful for...
A winning score
And smashed head
A comfortable place
To lay my throbbing head.

I am thankful for...
Friends who call
Or text, cuz they care
Small reminders
That they are there.

I am thankful for....
Two new friends
Made on a whim
Even though we creamed 'em
And did a fantastic win

I am thankful for...
Getting my Hishtadlus done
And proving I can and will
Even when I am
Kind of losing the thrill

I am thankful for...
Talents to create
A video that inspires
And ignites
Inner fires

I am thankful for...
Chances to escape
And places to go
Secrets that are mine
And no one will know.

I am thankful for...
The speaker
Who erased all doubt
As to what being a Jew
Is all about.

I am thankful for...
You
And all Your glory
For letting me be a part
Of Your lifelong story.

Trying To Find

Where did you go?
A picture in the distance
A mirage in my desert
Where I am devoid
Of any comforts.
My driest days
And darkest nights
You were supposed to be here
I am trying to find
But binoculars only fake how close you are
Because honestly
You are far too far.
Wish I could keep you closer
Because you are supposed to be
In my heart
And every single thought
My very breath
Is for you
So why do you seem like a ship
Lost at sea
Far off the radar
Of things I can't see.
I try to pull you in
The lighthouse is flashing
But could it be
That all those shining lights
Are trying to grab the attention of me?
Did I miss the call
When you dialed my number
Are you still on the line?
I am still searching
And trying so hard to find.

Unable to Speak

I wrote this after I lost my voice. It was one of the toughest days I've ever experienced. I felt totally at a loss for all the things I couldn't say. I spent the day, trying to make myself heard and I just couldn't! For someone like me, who loves to talk and could go on for hours and hours, it was actually painful. To not be heard, to not be able to speak... that was a physical manifestation of lack of speech...
A mental lack of speech is just as difficult. I am more than able to say these things, my vocal chords could string together any combination of words that I wish to say in order to convey a message. But my mind... and my heart won't let me. I am so tongue-tied and twisted, it's embarrassing. Of all the times in the world to not be able to speak, I am so sorry it happened when I needed to speak the most. When I desperately needed to relieve some of the pain and hurt I feel.
And there is what to say about not being able to say anything. When opportune moments pass all you want to do is scream about how much you just wanted to be able to say the things on your mind! I felt it... I was a coward. I passed up the chance to tell you how I feel... Fear... how controlling... I wish I could just tell you, face to face, without all these blocks on my mind... lack of sleep, again, fear, wonderment and cowardly feelings. I missed the chance... I hope it comes again soon.
So here, this is what I have to say about not being able to say anything... I hope you hear what I can't convey in words outloud. Maybe one day I'll be able too.

Have you ever lost the ability to speak?

Your can’t say what you want,

Because your voice has become pathetic and weak,

And those who can speak, just stand and taunt.

It’s a restriction,

One so powerful and great,

It’s an affliction,

One that no one can relate.

It’s hopelessly empty,

When no one can hear,

You can always be seen,

But it’s as if you’re not there.

Because you can’t speak your mind,

You can't voice your opinion,

And no one can be sure to find,

You feel so out of place, so entirely foregone.

It’s desperately hard when you can’t speak your mind.

It hurts to talk,

Because you have no voice,

It’s either smile, or walk,

It’s your only choice.

Chained up with no way out,

Because you can’t utter a word,

It is impossible to scream or shout,

And you want to speak, but you can't be heard.

It’s lonely and secluded,

In this emptiness,

That seems so deluded,

And so impossible to express.

On the Other Side

Experiencing life
From one side
Seeing only half the picture
Of what was
What is
And what is to come.

Teeter tottering
On a see saw
Back and forth
But when we sit weighed down
By one end
When does the other side
Fall down
To raise us up?

Do we know when the line has been drawn
And we finally cross
To the other side?
Does a neon flashing sign say
YOU ARE HERE
So no worries,
All is well?

Of course not
Life is never that obvious
So when I see the other side
As a faint glimpse on the horizon
I get nervous
And shake
Because I am so scared.
So soon, so so soon,
Something is rising
And I don't know what it is.
Send me a sign...

So we won....

Played a game. Won. Hooray!
Beat them bad
(Well, good for us!)
So why am I only thinking
Of life without them?
Hate to see you go
Happy you're moving forward.
Will miss you more than you'll ever know
More than I will ever say
Cuz it hurts too bad
To even think about.
But yay!
We won.

Brighter Lights

It was a bad night
A rough night
A tough night
A curling up,
Crying on the bed
Kinda night.
Just sad
And cloudy
Gray
And gloomy.
Why me?
Why always me?
Finally, sleep.

A new day
Another morning
Sunny
And bright
Things to do
Get it done
Out the door
And running
Not stopping
Arrangements

And then night
I will see her
My precious
My little light
Cuz even while she's sleeping
I'm smiling
All over town
Feeling
Wanted
Needed
A drop of kindness

Even later
Spirituality
A touch of Torah
And love
Smiles
Giggles
A small baby
Happiness

Brighter lights
Shining the way
Neon messages
To show that
You care
You understand
My needs
And I
Thank you
For those
Brighter lights

A Freilichen Purim!

A Freilichen Purim! IYH we should merit to see Yeshuous like we read about in the megilla and welcome Moshich Tzidkainu Bim'heira V'yameinu!
Below is the label I attached to my shalach manos (you can probably get a good idea of what the theme was, and how it looked. Maybe later I'll post pictures of it. It was pretty cute if I do say so myself!)

Tests of Life or Life of Tests?

Today we were told about
College courses we could take
Immediately I thought
Wow, how great!

A chance to get ahead
And get the ball rolling
But then I was reminded
There really is no way of knowing

Will I end up in the college of my choice?
Or in the position I seek?
Will my ties of friendship remain strong
Or became brittle and weak?

Will I get the job
I so badly desire
Or will I be a out of work student
With no one looking to hire?

Will I get to work with kids
Or behind a wooden desk
With one stinkin' assignment
Or boring task?

So today, this week, this year
Tests and quizzes are all I see
But are these things really
The only things testing me?

History, English, Math
Does it really make me
Who I am
Or who I am going to be?

Do tedious lessons
Prepare me for what's out there
Should I even bother,
Do I really care?

Does literature about babies switched,
Or the devil taking souls
Really matter in the grand scheme
Of reaching my goals?

Is my life better lived
Taking tests
Or living them
And trying my best?

Cuz being marked in Heaven
Matters to me more
Than how high the number is
When I see that red pen score.

Pain, Loss, and Surviving

I can't even imagine
The suffering
She is experiencing
It isn't right.
How can someone,
So good,
So true,
Go through this kind of
Pain?

I know she can conquer
And come out
Stronger than before
But this kind of loss?
Stays forever
And I don't want her to hurt
Ever
At all.

And it's not my place to say anything
And I never will
But if I could
I would tell her
I cried for her
Her loss
And for her faith
To remain strong.

Life cut short
So small
And fragile,
And suddenly,
Gone,
And I can't ever say a thing
That I was hurting with her
Because still,
I can only imagine the pain.

Just know,
These things I say
You will never hear
But even though we aren't
The best of friends
Or even so close
I admire you with all my heart
And you have inspired me
And I will try to take
Whatever lessons I can
And let that serve
As a way to uplift
That which was lost
To something greater.

How Can I Help You?- Chesed in Action

An open to letter to all Chesed volunteers for every organization out there in the world... thank you for everything you do. You continue to inspire me.

Parties to plan
Events to coordinate
Will call you soon
To let you know the date.

Bake cookies
Drive a car?
For chesed, one hundred miles
Is never far.

Deliveries
And work to be done
Helping you out
Is so much fun!

Calls to make
Brownies to bake
Your willingness to help
Really takes the cake

An hour of my time
I am sure I can spare
Because for this cause
I truly do care.

A Sunday event
Lasting the whole day?
I think I have a few hours
To spend that way.

Words can't express
How much it means to me
When you volunteer to help
And do so so willingly.

It continues to amaze me
The chesed you do
Even when I call last minute
Straight out of the blue

Concerts, visits
You never ever stop
Even when you are exhausted
And ready to drop

Helping out
You do with grace and flair
And all the work you do
Continue to show you care

From the bottom of my heart
I thank you again and again
Especially when I call, text, write
Nudging to no end

You give of your time
With a wide open heart
And it is truly that trait within you
That will continue to set you apart.

Vacation and The Real You

Vacation is great
Or so I've been told
But I have something to say
If I may be so bold
About something I heard
A teacher did say
You become who you really are
When school is away
Vacation is a time
To look deep within
To introspect and relax
Far away from the din
So if you daven each morning
And pray each afternoon
You'll be that person you want to be
Very very soon
But if snow days and breaks
Give you license to slack
Then all those wasted days
You'll never get back.
Your list of things
To accomplish and achieve
Will get pushed off
And leave you to grieve
About all the things
You should have gotten done
But instead you wasted time
Making it like you're having fun.
Time alone
Is often for good
But sometimes it can be deadly
And put you in a bad mood.
Thoughts going astray
And time running away
Black and white things
Suddenly look gray.
Blustering winds
May keep you inside
But from your real self
There is no way to hide

If Fluff Holds Us Together...

...What will keep us sticking if we throw it away?

Fluff... I got tons of it... I use for my research papers, for facades I put on for my friends, for respect I try to show my teachers... it's not real, it's just fluff! I used it when it came to my music and my books, things I read and things I watched--pure fluff.. overly sticky, never good in vast amounts, pretending to be all pure and clean, but really, if you stick your hand it, it's impossible to get out of... fluff...
Seems innocent, right? When it comes to fluff as a food, it's awesome! It's great for camping-- rice krispie treats, s'mores--yum delish, right? But in our lives, our day to day activities, it's dangerous.
You may think I am kidding... most probably you're reading this and thinking is this girl normal? Fluff? What in the world?! And you have every reason to think that... but think about this...
How often do we turn to falseness and transient things to fill our days... does it really hold us together? Or does it just get us into deeper, sticker messes?
So if we get rid of all our fluff, what will keep us together, hold us tight when we feel like falling...? What, if not fluff? There has got to be something, something stronger... and that my friends, is faith. Faith that giving up the fluff will make us fantastic people... (nice use of alliterations, don't you think?) Fluff... it's good... a little gashmius goes along way... but a lot of gashmius will only drag us into sticky, unsafe territory... so be careful how much fluff you spread on your life.