New Direction?

Sometimes I sit at my computer to write a post, and think Do I really want to share this with my anonymous blog world?  When I first began this blog, I was an angst-ridden teenager who was too angry with the world, and too restricted in how much of my mind I could speak. But now, I have matured (in some ways) and grown up. I don't see the world as such an oppressive and cruel place. I have made my own place. I am happy where I am in my life now. Sure, there are things I want to happen. I still have dreams, desires and wishes. But my plans for life are starting to fall into place, piece by piece. It's fun to watch the puzzle of my future be put together.

With that being said, I am no longer that angry high schooler who needed to have some place to vent about how unfair life is. So my question is, what direction will this blog take? I have thought about turning it into a "lifestyle" blog, but that will probably turn some people away. And I am pretty sure there are enough "shidduchim" blogs out there to keep everyone occupied with how they will marry off all those anonymous bloggers.

So... where to go? What direction should I turn this blog? Far left? Right turn? U-Turn?

Hm....

Elation

I wandered these streets

Heart elated

Mind debated

All the struggles I have faced

And will face

Something about this place

Makes all the pieces

Of my broken heart

Hopeful for a new start

There is peace here

Something special so near

I could walk here for miles

And never feel a drop of fatigue

So it would seem

I could lose all my worries

And not have a single care

Just from breathing in this air

All the questions

Fade to nothingness

And the answers

Have always been before me

And here I can open my eyes

To see

That with you

Is the only way to live

And without you

Is no life at all

Coming Home

Is this real?

Can it be true?

Too long apart

I am returning to you

I have heard you calling

A faint whisper

Lost in the chaos

I strained to listen

And could hear your plea

Desperately

Waiting for me

After months

I am coming home.

For one second, it was too good to be true.

And guess what.

It was.

At least I have the memories...

For Me

I made this choice

For me

Can't you see

Things are not the same

I am smarter now

I see more clearly

I am ready to live my life

The one I was given

And the life I lead before

Wasn't living

I was simply letting myself

Be pulled

Pushed

Shoved

Buried

Beneath

Expectations I never had to fulfill

And demands that were never fair

I always rose to the occasion

But now

I will choose the occasion

It's my party

And I will smile cuz I can.

Slowly

I wish to close my eyes. Lean back slowly, my head feeling heavier... heavier... and then landing, perhaps on a clouds, and left to just float.... away. To drift somewhere where worries have no meaning. Where tomorrow is simply a word, and yesterday is too far to remember. I think that sometimes we lose moments in the chaos of living day to day. We forget to wake up each day and think "what incredible things will I accomplish today?" We get lost in the rush of where to go, what to do, what to buy....

I have been rushing. Running. In the literal and figurative sense. And while there are miles behind me, and miles ahead, there is a journey as well that I would like to enjoy.

So... perhaps I will try... to just slow... down....

Feel Joy

Happy Birthday!

Mazel tov!

Congratulations!

I am

Overjoyed!

It's a boy!

A girl!

A chosson!

A kallah!

L'Chaim

Vort

Bris

Engagement
Wedding

Kiddush

I just

Want to say

I am learning

How to feel joy

And it feels

Joyous.

Clean

I am getting clean

Nothing 

Will hold me back

From setting myself

Free

I have set out to be

The best version

Of me

So I am getting clean

Letting go

Of what has been

Dragging me down

Down...

A downward spiral

Of holding onto memories

That mean nothing

A past

That has passed

And so

I clean myself

Get clean

Remove the garbage

Pardon my french,

The crap I have clutter my life

So today

I am getting clean.

*Melting*

My student, a 4 year old boy, asks to sit on my lap during circle time.

Me to student: Why do you want to sit on my lap?

Student: Because!

Me: Because why?

Student: Because you are the best Morah!

I officially love my job.

Step

I feel like I am in the midst of this grand balancing act, my arms spread as far as I possibly can, praying I don't fall.

On my head there are plates and bowls and shoes and books and hearts piled high. One step wrong and everything falls.
I fall.

I just need to get to the other side.
I need to get through a few more days... weeks... months... and then I can breathe (a bit) easier.

Phone calls... emails... texts... letters...

Money, miles and meetings.

High expectations... high risk factor.

I am not at risk.

But so much is at risk.

One small step...

For me.

One giant leap...

For life.

War

Don't call it a fight when you know it's a war...

Heroes, warriors

Fighters in the field

But not with guns

Or swords

They are fighting

Themselves

A battle that bravery

Cannot win

And strength cannot overcome

It is a battle

I have seen too many times

Yet, it happens

Again

Again

And again

And those who can end this war

Who have the power

To join and fight

Have settled

For shutting their doors

Closing their hearts

As the innocent fall

They don't give out their weapons

Or make known their solidarity

Instead they sit

High on a hill

Behind closed white doors

While those in white-washed rooms

End their war

With a steady beep

Reminding us one more time

That the battle was lost

And the war rages on.

(It makes me angry. So angry. I didn't know Sam, but by this point, many who didn't know him have become painfully aware of his life... and his death.

Cancer is a battle... a WAR we can win if only those with the power to make a difference will finally get off their lazy, greedy, heartless behinds and DO something about it.

How can children dying not be a wake up call? The drums of war have been sounded... and some people just refuse to hear them...)

In memory of Sam... http://supermansamuel.blogspot.com/) 

Mi Adir

There is something

About being here

Watching as this monumental moment

Takes place

Seas were split

Mountains were climbed

And hearts

Were broken

To bring them

To this moment

Where he looks at her

And she, at him

Bracing themselves

For that one foot falling

That shattering of pieces

That signifies

How they will come together

To build a home

Remnant of a time

When we were all one

And now that they are one

The music begins

The laughter is boundless

And tears flow

And something about being here

Watching as this transpires

Brings me a kind of joy

That I cannot fully put to words

But through these ones

I have tried.

Midnight Musings

I am reading into things. I am watching for neon signs, lights burning bright in the night, guiding me. Perhaps this is the one that will guide me home. That person in my path... yes, he must have all the answers.

I have learned to turn away from thieves in the darkness. But finding an honorable man... well, that is harder than that "needle in a haystack" theory. 

Is every sign meant for me? Is every signal meant to turn me? Did I stumble into Oz? Is some crazy misguided brainless scarecrow sending me scurrying in every which direction? Or will the man behind the curtain eventually reveal his truest intentions?

Maybe this rabbit hole I have fallen down, this life that seems to crazy to be real, is just the dose of medicine I need.

I am smiling. I am happy. But at the same time, I am searching. There is mystery to be questioned. There are pebbles to be tossed, to create ripples in the water. But to settle... to feel like I have accomplished... well that would be better than anything.

So... I continue searching. I wander. I try to fulfill the plan intended for me.

I think one day I might be able to accept what has been sent to me. Until then, all I can do is try.

Written in...

It used to be

That your fate was sealed

In black and white

As plain as day

No denying what the written word said

But now... 

Even after the proverbial ink has faded

And memories have whitewashed to

Paleness

Someone

Somewhere

Can drudge up

Your shame

Words

Attached to your name

Though you have repented

Changed your ways

There is no escape

Archives

Endless records

Of every thought

Word

Comes back like a poison arrow

At the heart

Straight for the kill

Maybe

If I stand still

It won't hurt

As much

Letting Go

I release you

To the wind

To the sky

I finally

Will let go

I finally know

Holding on

To this heart

I thought was mine

Has only made me

Hate mine own heart

So I start

A new

By letting go

Of you

The past

Can no longer weigh me down

I no longer

Will be chained by

Someone who I thought

Was so high

But at the end

You were human

Like the rest

And at best

You had flaws

The same as me

So you see

To let go

Means to know

I have flaws of my own

But I no longer

Am trapped by yours

So for that
I let go

And embrace

A new heart

Apart

From yours

I

Finally

Can let go.

Too

I am trying to

Though

Therefore

I doubt

I shall

Perhaps

Carry on

Onto

Unto

The wondrous

Ridiculous

They who

Ridicule

Are simply

Too scared

Yet

YET

Are

We

There

Yet

Something

Someone

Somewhere

It's just

That I

Don't really know

But

My mind

Made up

To try

So

I shall.

The Happiest Time of the Year

Happiness is...

Hundreds of presents

Wrapped under a tree

One for you

And ninety nine for me

Happiness is...

Trampling a stranger

For a deal so good

That I have no problem

Knocking someone where he stood

Happiness is...

Sitting around saying thanks

For all I have

While looking at the next gadget

I can grab

Wait...

TRUE happiness is...

Having beliefs

Bigger than me

Morals and values

That have guided us for centuries

TRUE happiness is...

Overcoming adversity

And returning home to rebuild

Discovering that not all hope was destroyed

Because one flask was still sealed

TRUE happiness is...

Finding that spark within

That burns brighter than twinkling lights

And remember that miracles do occur

Far longer than those magical eight nights...

This Place

I am here
At this placed called
Now
And I wonder
How
Did I get here
Miles from where
I intended be
Reading this map
That's outdated
Never updated
But should somehow
Guide me
Show me
Where I need to be
I am following
Unpaved roads
Don't know
Which direction
And without discretion
I am asking strangers
Talking to scarecrows
And skipping merrily
But I am terribly
Afraid
That I might end up
On the wrong side
Of the story
And will fade
Without glory
Alone

Voices

It's voices...

Faint reminders

Those nagging...

Doubts...

Sometimes

They are quiet

And sometimes

They are

So 

Loud

It shouldn't be allowed

We only use indoor voices

Inside my head

You don't need to scream
I can hear

Loud and clear

If you were anymore near

I would fall from the reverberations 

Of your voice

The ground shakes

The earth opens

I am swallowed whole

Falling into

The silence

And at last,

I am at peace

In pieces.

Pressure

The little tea pot

Burning on the fire

Little puffs of steam

Burning higher

Shut tight

Nowhere to escape

Locked with chains

And sealed tight

Getting hotter and hotter

Too hot to touch

Can we cool down

This is getting to be a bit much 

Let's turn up the heat

Can you handle the pressure

If I could

Would I feel this under the weather

Run faster

Do more

Be the best

Get the highest score

Lose yourself

In the craze of reality

Try to keep calm

And don't lose your normalcy

But once it gets too hot

This little pot

Is bound to overflow

And explode

(What a childish way to express the stress I feel but since all this pressure is building up in my brain I have lost my ability to write normally... for the time being... but I had to write something... so here...)