Party

The little boy sat at the window, holding his chin in his hands. He stared out the window of his home, filled with excitement and anticipation. His friend, his role model, said he would be coming soon and that the little boy should wait for him to come because when he arrived they would have a party together. So the little boy sat and waited... and waited... He watched cars past by... and people walking their dogs... Soon, he got bored...

I am getting sort of tired of waiting and watching, he thought to himself, I'm sure my friend won't mind if I do something in the meantime while I wait. So the little boy turned on some music... he read some books... watched a few shows... colored... and as the time went by, he forgot that his friend was coming.

He occupied his time otherwise, not remembering his friend was soon to come. Then the phone rang... he picked it up... "ARE YOU WAITING??? I WILL BE THERE SOON!!!!!!" And the line went dead. The little boy was shaken up. He ran back to the window and planted himself, waiting attentively for his friend to come. He counted the seconds until... he lost track and became bored and distracted. He left the window to get something to eat... and then he decided he wanted to bake, and began baking cookies and cakes... and again he forgot his friend was coming... The phone rang again... but the voice wasn't as loud, "Don't forget... I'll be there soon!" The little boy sauntered back to the window... He wasn't nearly as excited for his friend to come... He forgot about the party his friend was planning... a huge festive meal, the most incredibly music... performances beyond anything he had ever seen... so he walked away again...

And that time, as he was busy with books and music and food, there was a knock at the door... but the little boy didn't hear it. He was too busy with his own amusements.

His friend stood in the cold... waiting... Then he looked through the front window where he expected to hear his little friend waiting... but he wasn't there... He could hear music in the distance... The little boy forgot about him.

The friend sighed deeply... he so badly wanted to celebrate but the little boy stopped waiting for him.

With a tear, he began to walk away... He waited so long to celebrate with the little boy... he decided he would come back when the little boy was ready... 

Upstairs, the little boy was singing along to his CD, totally oblivious to his friend downstairs... forgetting about the party... and his friend... He fell asleep, only to wake up in the dead of night, sweating profusely and shaking heavily... I forgot he was coming... I can't believe I forgot... He turned over, crying, shedding heavy tears...

Waiting at the end of the little boy's block was his friend. He could hear the little boy crying, and a tear of joy sprung to his eyes, and a small smile formed on his lips... He didn't forget me! I'll come to take him soon... He should not have to wait any longer... and neither should I.

Still Learning

I am still learning...

My flight to Israel was my first up-close and personal introduction to Israeli Charedi life... I was sitting in an aisle seat next to a rather large man (he had an interesting name, but I can't remember it now...) Anyhow, as we were all settling in for the flight, a Chassidish looking man came over to me quietly and asked to switch seats with me. His seat was next to a frum lady in one of the two-seater parts of the plane. I am an instinctually polite person so I quickly switched seats.

And that's sort of the theme of my life here... quickly shifting on the sidewalk, paying super close attention to how I am behaving... and acting... and dressing. This may spark some argument, especially given the recent state of the country over the Beit Shemesh controversy, and while I don't condone spitting on a eight-year-old, there is an sense of respect that must be given. Now, I am not the political type... at least, I try not to be. I've read and heard a lot about what's been going on there, I have an up-close look at life in Yerushalayim (Meah Shearim) and everything that goes on, and though I may not lean towards one side or the other, I hear both sides.

While it isn't ok to spit on people, berate them loudly on the street, call names or throw things, as the saying goes "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." For secularists in Israel, this somehow doesn't seem to apply... But if you are entering an area, the least you can do is respect their community. What do you gain by causing controversy?

I read an article in the Jerusalem Post about two girls who came dressed immodestly on to a bus hoping to stir some arguement. Much to their shock, they were spoken to politely, which furthered their fury in an attempt to make the headlines... Is it really so hard to put on a skirt? To cover up? And for the other side, not everyone can or will comply... can't you just close your eyes or look the other way? I read a recent article from another blog that added some new perspective to this, which I may post later... but for now... shouldn't our goal be about love and acceptance? Instead of hatred and rejection? Don't we all long to see the day when we are all dressed and behaving according to the will of Hashem, with Moshiach as our leader? We can't get there if we continue the way we are..

We can't go on like this...

And despite it all, I am still learning.

(Disclaimer: I do not claim to be knowledgable in any area of what has been going on, nor with the different perspectives of society... this post is simply my reflection on the matter.)

Tin Man

Leaky and creaky
Rusty on all sides

Like a tin man

Who needs a cleaning of hides

Soiled and sullen

He's rather lost his shine

Yet this tin man

Is all mine

 

Once he glowed

Luster and radiance

Burst from his skin

Like the brightness of the sun

Now he simply

Resembles the color of mud

Dirty and decaying

His appearance is dismaying

His heart is missing

He threw it away

He didn't think he would ever

Need it for another day

Yet, something happened

What it was, I do not know

But after this journey we took

His true colors are starting to show

 

Breathless

What captivates

And sedates

Just takes my breath away

My heart

Like a drum

The steady beat

What can compete

With how I feel

For you?

I wish for what

Seems so far away

Like a dream in the dead of night

Running through the streets

Of sleep

With the end

So far in sight...

What is more real?

Or more enchanting

Then a task that seems so daunting

To overcome

As time drags on

And beat the ticking hand...

In this race

There is no pace

And I am not prepared

I remain

Breathless, ashamed

In the gaze of your eyes

For I realize

How far I have to go.

Waiting

These are some of the strangest builders I have ever seen. Some of them come dressed as they should, with all the appopriate attire and gear and some of them come dressed for a totally different job. I sent them a memo... I told them how they should look... It's for their own good, after all. I don't want to see them get hurt.

It doesn't even look like they read through the job description. We are trying to build something... yet here they are with their sledgehammers and drills destroying the structure!

Ah, but look... there are a few good workers over there... diligently building... They are so devoted to their job and to their craft... they are even working overtime! They make me so proud... 

But what am I supposed to do about those ones... the ones that aren't doing their job right... At this rate, my building will take forever to be finished! Don't they know I am waiting? I just want to come home... I don't want to have to wait any longer! I even told them what will happen for them when the building is finished... they will join me in a lavish celebration! Their will be food and drink unlike anything they have ever tasted! They will hear music that defies the normal concept of composition and expression... 

Why aren't they doing their work properly?

Perhaps I should send start a flood.. to shake them up... to wake them up!

No... they are ignoring it...

What if I lit something on fire? Surely they will notice that!

They don't even feel the heat! The pain! They are so entrenched in their own business!

What if I took away things from them? Things they love dearly... What if I took away their siblings... and sent them somewhere else... or their parents... or even the unspeakable... their children?

Does nothing help these people??? They don't even notice all these messages I have been posting around the work site... It's as if the yellow paper and bold black lettering is just decorations to them!

But still... I love them dearly... I want to see them work hard... to devote their hearts to something... And even though now... they just aren't getting it right... I'll wait... I'll wait in this unfinished room, watching... Watching the good ones as they put up the walls, and install the lighting fixtures... Watching as the bad ones throw stones and mess up the paint job...

I don't know how much longer I'll have to remain here as the wind blows through the cracks... but until the day when my home is finished... I'll wait.

Credit

My mother called me the other night... and usually if nothing is going on, I go into guilt mode.

"I didn't do it!" I cried when I answered the phone, rehashing my day,  making sure I didn't do anything wrong. (Usually when I call it goes like this. My mother: "What did you do?" "How much will it cost me?" Or me "I didn't do it!" "I am so sorry!" Like the time I called about my 300 dollar phone bill... yea... anyhow...)

"Oh, but you will!" my mother replied. I was confounded.

Huh?

My mother proceeded to tell me that because of her fortitude and the like, she was able to help me get credits for my year in Israel through a program, which I previously was not a part of. Her timing was also impeccable: for the next two weeks, I will be taking midterms... And before, I was going to do my best but not make myself crazy because I wouldn't be receiving credits, but now, it's worth a lot more. I wasn't too upset- I have been spending a lot of time studying, if only to fulfill the nachas factor. But now, it counts. My grades could make or break how much time I spend in college, and even though I was all prepared for a four year Undergrad program, I am kind of excited that I may be able to finish earlier.

But then, it struck me as ironic... These classes always counted. Maybe not for college credit, but for my own knowledge and gain, for my parents to be proud, and for other various reasons (you can fill in the blank). Yet, now... it'll only really became apparent.

And sometimes, (wait for it...) we go through life... we have our tests... we may or may not pass... but do we really think about the credit we are going to gain? Midterms in the physical world, are like nisyonos in the spiritual world. There is studying, preparation, effort and time involved... and then the moment of truth- did I pass or not? Did I get the points or the credits I need?

Will I be able to come to college with a paper saying I earned X amount of credits? Or Y which is less?

Will I be able to come to G-d after 120 years saying I earned this and this place in Shamayim... or even more frightening, in Gehinnom? (Because we all go there at some point... It's not a bad thing! It's cleansing we all need- not punishment!) Will I be able to say, "Hey G-d, I worked hard, and I passed this test you gave me... now it's time for me to get the reward for it." Or worse... "I failed."

So... in the physical world, things are starting to matter... My grades can make or break my future plans... but in the spiritual world, they always mattered... how long does it take a person to figure it out? And when they do, will their efforts matter or will it be too late?

Think about it...

Late

Being in Sem, I have limited internet access... Thankfully, I can still look at Reader (That's how I still keep up with all my blogs... but lack of images and videos is kin of annoying)

Anyhow, I was scrolling through my old blog posts... and realized... I missed my own anniversary. 

I have happily, and somehow suprisingly, been at the ol' blogging business for two years and almost four months...

Happy late anniversary to me...

Now what?

Crazy

They were right

The rumors are true

People

Go

Crazy

Here.

 

They can't handle

They can't be in control

They simply

Go

Crazy.

 

But to remain sane

Is the name of the game

And trying to do so

They

Go

Crazy

 

Because if something is overheard

Or written down

It could tip the scales

And derail...

So they try

Not to

Go

Crazy

 

But these straightjackets

Don't quite look the norm

And the buckles don't shut so tight

But still

They

Go

Crazy

 

The cure

Is also the curse

If you simply don't know

What you are treating...

A bout of insanity...

Reality...

Spiritualty.

 

Happy New Year

Hello New Year

Whether you are mine

Or not

I welcome you

Because every ending

Is a chance to start again

To make a plan
To get it right...

Perhaps last night

The world changed a drop

When last year stopped

And a new one came

Began it's reign

And here it is

Shining bright

Through the night

Fight or flight

It'll all be allright

Confusion

When all else fails, the yetzer hara will pull out his dirtiest tactic- confusion.

You know Pandora's box? Confusion was in there.. confusion WAS the box... So it makes sense that unleashing it caused a lot of problems.

Why is confusion so bad?

When we know the difference between right and wrong, when it's clear, there is struggle, but it's obvious. Throw confusion in there, then the struggle is blurred and mixed up.

I see that sneaky little hand of confusion come up and suddenly, nothing makes sense.

And if there is anything more torturous... It's confusion.

I hope you find clarity soon, and through that, find your own peace.

Rhapsody

I'm skipping
Tripping
Love this lie
This blissful high
I'd take this dream
Sew its seams
And wear it like a coat
Set it as a sail
And coast on this boat
Neverland is only as far
As you let your imagination take you
I saw clouds that looked like you
They faded into the endless blue
And I forgot that you were once true
So I leapt to the sky
The moon isn't so high
When I know I can always land
Amongst the stars
And make my wishes real
And break this bad deal
I can go back to my dance
And get lost in my own trance
This song sings like forever
And will carry me on to Never

Anger

Below is a poetic description of what happened to me last night... All of the details are true, except for one part. Can you guess?

She steps on the bus

Cursing the world

Words so violent

It caused stomachs to curl

 

Every F-word

And even more in between

The sound of nails and dirt

And more, so obscene

 

Loud and clear

The roar of the insane

A thousand words

Pierced with anger and pain

 

Depression, obsession

"Stop polluting the air

You have a response?

I really have no care"

 

"See this finger

You're not worth my breath

But I'll keep cursing

Until there is none leftt

 

Every year

It's all the same

Kids with no respect

Playing at this game

 

"Just drop me off

I don't want this anymore"

Oops, the bus hit her

And she is dead on the floor.

Be A Man

Sometimes in life, you have to take matters into your own hands. When a situation needs fixing, you have to stand up. Take charge. Be a man where no one else is being on.

(Or woman... depending on your situation).

Sometimes, it means going out of your comfort zone. Making decisions that didn't know, or think you can make.

Sometimes, that is very hard.

But what happens if you don't take control?

Things can fall apart... become a mess.

You need to take control.

And today, I did just that. I saw a situation that needed adjustment. It required peseverance and determination.

Which is why today was a very monumental day.

I took a tool to aid my success and went at it.

Today, I cut my hair.

:)

Invisible

Up in smoke

Remnants still burning

Disappearing in the air

Invisible...

Invisible...

You can see the wisps

Or what was once there

A dream

A wish...

Invisible...

Can I?

Could I?

Should I?

Would I?

Wish.... wish...

To be...

Invisible...

Divisible...

A wish...

A dream...

Good night.

Flame

I see you flickering

Fighting against the darkness

To make your own light

To shine your own beacon

This world keeps trying to blow out

With winds of change

But a flame remains a flame

And while it can share it's light

Once it's out

The flame is gone...

So keep flickering and dancing

And spreading your light

Your pure brightness is enchanting

And your power is enhancing

Because there is strength in numbers

And you, my tine flame, are not alone

For each night you remain strong

And sing your song

After these eight days

You and I will reach

A point of human existance

Beyond normal comprehension

A time in space

That defies all preconcieved notions

A time that has been set in motion

And you, my powerful flame

Will be the light that leads the way

So my flickering flame

Shine on

Until that time

When all darkness is gone.

Awareness

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

 

 

I just thought you should be aware...

Trying Times

Part One

Where is the world going

Where have all the good ones gone

Our collective journey is ending

As the end of time is nearly upon

Today, tomorrow

I do not know, pray tell

Yet this I do know

We are sadly not well

To make a decision

In reverse of what you already said

Are you safe at night

When you sleep in your bed?

What demons haunt you

What mistakes lurk in your dreams

Are you breaking under the pressure

Of self made change-beams

Does anything keep you strong

Or are you broken and weak

You used to sing for the masses

And now you lost your ability to speak

Part Two

Where do we hide

And what do we see

The modern addi(c)tion of society

Has been the detriment of humanity

A family shattered

A life destroyed

For something so fake

That could never fill the void

Yet where is the sustenance

I so desperately need

In this dark times of destruction

Who will plant a seed?

The sun of our nation

Is diminished like the moon

And all we can ask

Is that our redemption comes soon

Read between the web pages

      I am

     unable

         to hold

    myself back

    from

looking at     

these

       things

Ctrl+F

I am lost in this place...

Ctrl + S

Save me... Please...

*Based on a Chinuch class

Change

Change means there is a new person waking up in your bed. And that person is you.

Change means there is a new person staring back at you in the mirror. And that person is you.

Change means there is a new person writing your words. And that person is you.

And isn't it scary when there is a stranger in your bed?

Isn't it scary when you don't recognize the person in the mirror?

Isn't it scary when you don't know where these words came from?

When you change, you can't be comfortable.

When you change, you have to stretch your limits.

When you change, you are not the same.

So if you are not you... then who are you?

G-d's Answers

What are you praying for?

What are you waiting for?

Do you need something different?

Or do you need something more?

You've been asking and hoping

You've been waiting for days

For G-d to grant you some clarity

Through all the muddle and haze

And it seems like there is nothing

There is no hope in sight

You've been trying for so long

And you're ready to give up the fight

It seems like G-d

Has given you a resounding NO

But there is a deeper message

That needs its time to show

G-d will never tell you never

Only that there is something better for you

If you wait sometime

It will be revealed with brilliant truth

G-d will never tell you no

Rather that the time is not ripe

And there is a clock ticking

As your answer comes down a pipe

G-d will never tell you no

The only answer left is YES

But you must realize

That He will only answer for you what is best.