Awareness

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

 

 

I just thought you should be aware...

Trying Times

Part One

Where is the world going

Where have all the good ones gone

Our collective journey is ending

As the end of time is nearly upon

Today, tomorrow

I do not know, pray tell

Yet this I do know

We are sadly not well

To make a decision

In reverse of what you already said

Are you safe at night

When you sleep in your bed?

What demons haunt you

What mistakes lurk in your dreams

Are you breaking under the pressure

Of self made change-beams

Does anything keep you strong

Or are you broken and weak

You used to sing for the masses

And now you lost your ability to speak

Part Two

Where do we hide

And what do we see

The modern addi(c)tion of society

Has been the detriment of humanity

A family shattered

A life destroyed

For something so fake

That could never fill the void

Yet where is the sustenance

I so desperately need

In this dark times of destruction

Who will plant a seed?

The sun of our nation

Is diminished like the moon

And all we can ask

Is that our redemption comes soon

Read between the web pages

      I am

     unable

         to hold

    myself back

    from

looking at     

these

       things

Ctrl+F

I am lost in this place...

Ctrl + S

Save me... Please...

*Based on a Chinuch class

Change

Change means there is a new person waking up in your bed. And that person is you.

Change means there is a new person staring back at you in the mirror. And that person is you.

Change means there is a new person writing your words. And that person is you.

And isn't it scary when there is a stranger in your bed?

Isn't it scary when you don't recognize the person in the mirror?

Isn't it scary when you don't know where these words came from?

When you change, you can't be comfortable.

When you change, you have to stretch your limits.

When you change, you are not the same.

So if you are not you... then who are you?

G-d's Answers

What are you praying for?

What are you waiting for?

Do you need something different?

Or do you need something more?

You've been asking and hoping

You've been waiting for days

For G-d to grant you some clarity

Through all the muddle and haze

And it seems like there is nothing

There is no hope in sight

You've been trying for so long

And you're ready to give up the fight

It seems like G-d

Has given you a resounding NO

But there is a deeper message

That needs its time to show

G-d will never tell you never

Only that there is something better for you

If you wait sometime

It will be revealed with brilliant truth

G-d will never tell you no

Rather that the time is not ripe

And there is a clock ticking

As your answer comes down a pipe

G-d will never tell you no

The only answer left is YES

But you must realize

That He will only answer for you what is best.

Sunday

It's 6:15 Sunday night... Normally, I would be pajamas, or totally relaxed with no worries or cares... after all, it's Sunday. But in Israel, or at least in Sem life, Sunday is like any other day... in fact, we have more class on Sunday than most days... and it really makes me wonder.

In a lot of areas, the Israeli/Charedi way (depending on how you look at it, no starting arguements here) they really have the right idea. By turning Sunday into a regular day, and not one where one can just "relax", it puts more of a focus on Shabbos. Shabbos, Yom Menucha must epitomize everything that Sunday cannot be. A day of rest and reconnection with Hashem, without the distractions of work, technology and every day life. By not having Sunday to "recharge" Shabbos becomes a focal point for our week... We must put a lot of effort into Shabbos because, without Sunday to "catch up" there must be more put into Shabbos.

I hear the complaints of people who say they miss having Sunday (new Olim, obviously) but it kind of is a good thing. It means that every day must be utilized to its fullest and everything that can be accomplished in each day of Chol, must be done, so when Shabbos comes, it is just us and Hashem.

Sounds like a lot of pressure, but the way the world was created was that each day was filled with work, and on Shabbos we rest, and as Banim L'Hashem we are required to imitate His ways. G-d didn't just chill on Shabbos. One of the fundamentals of the world was created on Sunday!

So bearing that in mind, all the Chutznikim reading this (Ok... me included) take the time to turn Sunday into a greater means to connect to Hashem, thereby encompassing His plan and ideals of creation and this way, when Shabbos comes, there are no worries about "did I get everything done?" because by utilizing each day of the week like Hashem did during the Briah we can come to Shabbos with peace of mind and only connect to Hashem.

Scared

I see the way they look at him. I know what they are thinking. They are uncertain... they are afraid. They are scared. And rightfully so... but it's only because they don't really know what they are looking it

Y is the boy who I spend two hours with every Thursday. He is my chesed kid, and sometimes he can be difficult, but I wouldn't trade my time with him for anything.

Y has Down Syndrome. And because of him, I learned something about myself: Down Syndrome doesn't scare me. I have had plenty of prior interaction with kids with Down Syndrome, but never so consistently, and so intimately. It's just me and him. And I love it. Y is funny, smart and most of all, a really sweet kid. When people hear "Down Sydrome" they think: unintelligent, incapable and slow. And Y is far from it. He speaks two languages, knows his way around his neighborhood, is friends with all sorts of people and enjoys playing tricks on me. It's true- he isn't so fabulous at math (but we are working on it!), he looks different than other boys and his speech isn't so clear. And when someone first looks at him, they may be cautious. The kids in the park stare... he acts different than them. And I am sure there was a time when I was like them... but somehow, I realized that it's only what we don't know that scares us... and these kids, they don't know Y... I hope one day they will.

Yellow Brick Road

Watch your step

You may miss something big

Like a yellow brck road...

 

Where did that come from?

 

Who are these creatures?

And why do I feel pulled

Along this yellow brick road?

 

Where am I going?

 

I will embrace my lack of knowledge

I will confront my fears

Click my heels, I am going home

 

Not yet?

 

Oh.

 

Onward toward that big green palace

Where that man behind the curtain

Has something to tell me

 

What is this?

 

You aren't so far from me

You aren't such a mystery

I don't understand everything

But I do know

That I will click my heels

And come home soon.

Lockdown

It's the third time since Seminary began that we have heard one of the dirtiest words in our newly acquired Israel vocabulary- Lockdown!
 
The first time it happened, it was "exciting". The second time was about a week after the Gilad Shalit-Terrorist trade-- is it any wonder that there was a terrorist running around? According to a report I read, a fair few of the released terrorists returned to their East Jerusalem homes. Comforting, right?
 
So tonight, we went on lockdown. I love the apt description that my Sem-mates use when they call their friends to tell them the news- "There is a terrorist running around!" When they say that, I picture a Grim Reaper-like character, in a black robe, flapping his arms and screaming BOO at every mother and child. If terrorists were like how seminary girls think of them, the IDF would have a good laugh, I'm sure.
 
Now the question comes- what really happens when we go on lockdown? Well first there is a lot of grumbling that we can't leave the building after a long day of classes which is almost nearly as bad as the kitchen saying that they are out of chocolate spread or peanut butter... you can see the difficulty, right? And then, depending on how long lockdown lasts for (thank goodness for the swiftness of the IDF) panic attacks ensue- hurried breathing, sense of clausterphobia, incoherent speech and rapid movement. The thought of a terrorist running around is nearly as bad as the panic attack itself..
 
So the question is... what's actually more frightening... a terrorist on the loose... or a bunch of cabin-fever-Seminary-girls who aren't able to get sushi and iced coffee after clases?
 
I wonder if the IDF could handle the latter...

iShteig

Ok, ok, all the "iBlank" jokes have been used before, but I need to share my own appreciation for the wonderful little gadget called "iPod". I have heard all the arguements, and all the discussions and everyone has an opinion... but do people look at the good?

So today was a lazy day for me. And by lazy, I mean I didn't leave seminary for errands, but I stayed inside to do some work (shock!) and clean my room. So first, I put on my headphones and clicked a playlist... (the playlist was made in response to the bad news I have been hearing lately, and the songs are comforting...) After listening to a few songs, I was "reminded" of my own personal tekufah of struggle. Basically, I needed a quick dose of chizuk. So I scrolled through my iPod to one of my favorite speakers, Rabbi Wallerstein. (www.torahanytime.com). And, really, I am very happy to be able to do that, because I am not sitting in class when I am folding laundry, but does that mean I shouldn't be learning? I shouldn't be getting inspired? (Wow... Seminary has done some quick work on me... maybe this was because of our "Principles of Education" class... our teacher went on and on that in today's age, we don't enable kids to use their knowledge and excitement for learning-- too much vacation... but I digress). Everyone has something to say about the change technology in this world. And don't get me wrong, I know first hand about the pitfalls and struggles, but if a person is careful, wise, and wanting, he (or she) can use technology for benficial purposes. So as I type this, I am listening to a shiur and quite happy about it.

Happy shteiging :)

Only the Gadol Knows

You Zivug hasn't been born yet...

What if you were told at age 30 that your Zivug hasn't been born yet? You would probably feel rather despondent... How would you feel, if two months after being told such, you were engaged? Messes with your head a little bit... Keep reading.

Rav Kanievsky: Your Zivug Hasn't Been Born

(Tuesday, November 22nd, 2011)

A man seeking a shidduch visited HaGaon HaRav Chaim Kanievsky Shlita seeking advice and a bracha, one of the many persons who visit with the Gadol HaDor during the afternoon hours. The man, described to be in his 30s, visited the rav about two months ago, Kikar Shabbat reports. The teary-eyed man explained he cannot find a shidduch, asking Rav Kanievsky for a bracha. The Rav probed the man's details somewhat and reportedly responded "Your zivug hasn't been born, bracha V'Hatzlocha", leaving the man in tears, apparently despondent over hearing the rav's words.

The man recently returned to the rav, this time with a smile on his face, announcing "I am engaged". Those present were somewhat surprised, wondering how he accomplished this in two months after hearing the rav's words. The chosson explained that his bride-to-be is a giyoress who converted a month earlier, explaining the rav's words "your zivug has not been born".

The gadlus of a Gadol is what they know... and what they choose to reveal... Maybe we can take a lesson... And learn to appreciate the humor in life..

Rock Bottom

There is no lower place I know

Than being alone at rock bottom

Because when you are there

The only person who can help you out

Is yourself

And that is the only person
You want to get away from.

The Search

The secret of majesty

Is its power held

In mystery

Elusive separation

Fills us with a

Want

That we seek

To complete

And so we search

Like beggars

For a hint of

The king's treasury

And throughout

The week

We hunt and see

And collect pennies

Along our travels

And with that sum

We can finally come

And reside in the palace

Of the king

And every need

He will fully heed

And fill us with his love

Because we searched

And worked hard to find

And lit a candle in the night

To guide us to

The king's eternal light.

The gifts of the king

He longs to share

And tells us with

A smile and a tear

"For you, my dear one,

I will always care"

And these few words

We hold so close

For when it comes time

For the king to send us

Away from here

To restart our search

And fill our lack

Until the next week

When the king

With joy and song

Will happily

Welcome us back.

(Based on a class on "Kedushas Shabbos")

Stunned and Confused

Like a captive
On the run
"I'm INNOCENT!"
Running... I need to escape
While I still can
Where is my
FREEDOM?
Why am I being chased?
I didn't commit a crime!
I'm not supposed to be serving time!
Get this warden guard away from me!
I didn't do anything, can't you see?
I just want to see the sun
And smell the sky.
Please don't take me back there
Keep your cuffs, and save your blow!
I won't go back there, you can't make me go!
DON'T USE THE STUN GUN!
 
*ZAP*
 
No... no...
I won't do it... you can't make me!
I... won't... do... it...
 
RD 11152011
Imprisoned for: succumbing to sins
 
Let the records show... the warden wins.
 
And in the darkness of this cell
The only thing I truly miss
Is the light
That would end all this.

 

Based on the Nesivos Shalom Yud"Zayin, "Vayehi Ohr"

Of Blown Hair Irons

Last night, we had a class (on a tangent) about Ayin Hara... I was enthralled by the story the teacher told and thought about how it might apply to my life (as that is the point of seminary lessons). And I did take it to heart regarding a certain area of my life...

But I didn't listen close enough.

After I showered last night, I went to do my hair so I wouldn't have to bother with in the morning and maybe I could sleep late (and I did sleep later then I intended... but at least my hair was done!) As I went to plug in my hair iron, my roommate asked me, "why are you doing your hair every night?" and I, rather annoyed, responded, "why do you do your hair every morning?" To which she replied, "I only do my bangs! You're hair is going to die!" And I, getting really annoyed (she sometimes pushes the wrong buttons), replied "I have been doing my hair every day for the last four years and I still have it!" And then I went to plug in my iron. And if you didn't guess- it blew. Israeli outlets and American plugs don't mesh, and after four years of use, and a few months in Israel, my iron died.

To say that I was humiliated and upset is an understatement. Now, don't start playing the "vanity" card- it has nothing to do with looking good. I can look perfectly fine in curly hair- it's a comfort level. Thankfully, the ayin hara wasn't carried out on my hair, rather on my iron, but the blinking neon sign exploded after that moment. It was a firework display of "Why didn't you listen??? How could you miss the whole point!"

But, in my annoyance, I turned off the tape player in the background and missed my message.

It's crazy sometimes how aware we need to be of our lives... from our waking moments, to before we go to sleep at night, we need to be on constant high alert about the rights and wrongs in our lives... and I missed one... and now I have to pay the price.

Literally.

Eilat and Tzefas

Hello? Hello? Anyone still out there? Anyone still reading this sporadically-updated blog? I suppose I owe you something...

A few weeks ago, we went to Tzefas for Shabbos. Let me tell you, it was an eye opener. We went to the Bais HaKvaros on Friday afternoon... The whole time, the song from "Touched by a Niggun" kept playing... "They stared at the picture.... R' Shlomo Alkabetz, his kever in Tzefas, who wrote L'Cha Dodi, we sing Leil Shabbos..." We were right there! To say I had chills is an understatement. Friday night, we davened in Breslov (Check off the list!) It wasn't quite what I was hoping for, but the building was gorgeous, and I really enjoyed. Shabbos day we took a tour of the Old City of Tzefas... Those stairs were NOT fun. But from the top of Tzefas you can see so much of Eretz Yisroel- it was breathtaking.

Motzei Shabbos we went to Meron to the kever of Shimon Bar Yochai- apparently it is a thing to go on Parshas Noach... I am slightly apprehensive for Lag Ba'Omer...

So that was Tzefas!

 

Last week we went to Eilat! We did a few hikes-- I was all decked out in my marathon gear (Team Lifeline- that was a post I left out...) and it was awesome! There were tons of ladders... mind you, I have developed a fear of falling, but no worries, I pressed on!

The next day we got up bright and early and went snorkeling! If anyone ever doubts the beauty of G-d's world, they should get a mask on and dunk near the Coral Reef... it was a totally different world! The fish came so close you could almost touch them! (But I was scared they were going to eat...shock me, so I kept my distance.) Despite the lack of breathing from the mask and all the salt water I swallowed, it was single handedly one of my best moments in Israel so far (Another check on the list!)

 

Then we went to an Aquarium, and from a tower thing in the water (I forget the name), you could see Jordan! Kinda cool and kinda scary...

 

It was a really exhausting two days... especially hearing about the Petira of R' Nosson Tzvi Finkel, which was extremely upsetting...

 

B"H, Seminary is going great... I love being in Israel... my favorite hobby while I am here is to just wander... Forget buses and trains and taxis (oh my!) nothing beats walking, breathing the air and seeing the sights (and honestly, Israel has a fair few...)

 

So that pretty much sums up my life until now... Hope you enjoyed!

Seminary Funnies

There is a page on Facebook called "A Sem Girl Says" documenting all the more brilliant and insightly quotes overheard from Seminary girls... Thank G-d I don't think I have had any such sayings like they post there (IE. "Does this siddur fit my face?") But I have had some funny incidents of my own that I thought I would share... So here goes... What RD, A Sem Girl, Says...

 

Teacher is discussing the rebellion of Adoniyahu..

Rabbi: He made a party with veal and meat and lamb and there were sports... if this were today, what would be missing?

Me: Beer!

Rabbi: Well, someone knows how to party...

Me with my hand covering my mouth, sinking into my seat...

 

Me: How do you spell Apikorus?

Teacher, looking stunned and amused: I NEVER expected such a good question from you!

Me, shooting daggers in her direction..

 

Girl: Where are you going to college?

Me: UMBC... University of Maryland

Girl: You're going to school in Chicago?!

Me, holding my mouth shut so I don't explode, but failing miserably...

Girl: I didn't know Maryland was in Baltimore!!

 

Ah yes... Seminary life is very, very humorous...

 

Good Shabbos!

 

The Power of Imagination

There is nothing so painful, as far as my opinion is concerned, than a life never lived... an opportunity missed... a moment lost... The imagination of the human mind is so powerful, so convincing, that dreams can become reality, thought rather unreal and wishes seem to come true... yet only within the confines of one's mind. Were you ever presented with a chance, an opportunity and for hours you would think about it, create its setting and events in your head, painting a detailed, perfect picture of the outcome you wanted? But then... somehow, it became lost. Rather by circumstance and sabatoge or simply, it was never meant to be.. and suddenly, that picture that was so close in our mind, seems so far off, yet so tangible, that we chase after it, desperate for it be fulfilled. It feels so real. It is so real! The things we imagine, the things we want have the ability to "become" real in our minds! How can the transparent, slippery and elusive dreams we have come true? How can we turn our imagination, our hopes for a certain outcome into actuality?

Sometimes, sad as it is, this can never be...

Last week, a boy I knew was tragically killed in a car accident. Upon hearing the news, so sudden and so shocking, I burst into tears. There was  this profound knife shoved into my heart, and I felt too weak, too incapable to remove it. I didn't know him well. We spoke briefly one day during the summer, but it was those few moments that had an impact on me. It was after a long, tiring week and I was feeling empty, both physically and emotionally, and this boy, with just a few words, managed to bring a smile to my face. And I remembered. When I heard of his tragic petira I was suddenly confronted with the scenario above... the wishes and dreams that his parents had for him... the hopes and opportunities that he thought he would have... cruelly torn away. And I sat, tears streaming down my face, thinking of the life he will never have. He was 22... almost, or already dating. He won't marry... he won't have children... His parents won't reap anymore nachas from their precious son. And suddenly, our imagination paints the clearest picture in our mind of a future that will never be.

In life, the events that precede someone's passing often affect how we will feel after the person passes away. Someone who is sick for a while, we are almost grateful when they pass on- they aren't in pain anymore. Someone is older, we feel fulfilled- they lived a long life. A child, there usually is no relief... when they are sick, again, there is that small ounce of gratefulness... a parent  no longer has to watch their child suffer... but an accident, so sudden, unexpected, no time to prepare... well, there is no goodness in that... not even the smallest amount.

I have few words for this boy's parents- I cannot imagine their pain. The only thing I can wish for is that in time, and with time, they will find some nechama in this sad situation. Their son was truly a special person. He was a pursuer of chesed and embodied simchas hachaim. His loss will leave a void in my life... and the lives of those who were privileged to know him.

I hope that whatever insight and inspiration readers may gain from this blog, will be an aliyah for his neshama... If you smile when you read something, or gain a new understanding that can bring you closer to Hashem, that will reflect and carry on the life he led.

L'ilui nishmas Shimon Yosef ben Daniel

Raining in Yerushalayim

It's raining in Yerushalayim
The skies have open wide
Emotions of the heaven
No longer seem to hide

When tragedy strikes
Can the world mirror our pain
As the waters of our tears
Are reflected in the rain

Is this an overt blessing
Or just a terrible curse
Is life going to get better
Or only become much worse?

It's raining in Yerushalayim
The clouds wish to console
As it revives earth and life
We can finally reflect its role

Sufferers

Cognitive Dissonance is a disease. And the world suffers from it.

 

Symptoms include:

Delusions and Hallucinations

Inconsistent behavior

Lack of gratitude

Lack of recognition

Irrational actions

Rude speech

Causing harm to others

Anxiety

Low Self Esteem

 

Treatment: Redemption