October 7

Hearts broken

Literally.

Exploded.

Shattered.

Shot.

Stomped on.

Severed.

How can we possibly

Repair the damage?

We have been left to bleed

Empty veins

Dried up

Puddles soaking

Our beds

Our floors

Clothing

We have been laid bare

For the world 

To torment

Torture

Terrorize

We are begging

To be treated

As humans

How can we sustain

This hatred

How can we sustain

Our souls

Hovering between the worlds

Wondering

Why I am trying to dance

At a concert with no sound

At a simcha with no celebration

At a Shabbos table

With no peace

We just want

Peace.

I cannot fathom

Cannot imagine

Picture myself

Pregnant

(Again)

My innards on display

For anyone to comment

Reflect

Ask

Wonder

Inquire

But no

The answer is no

The anxiety about such a responsibility

Is just a bit more than I can handle

At the present moment

I have one little hurricane

To dress, feed, change, play with

Cuddle, snuggle, love

And he is a force to be reckon with

So stop with the comments

And stares

I am unaware

Of when

My uterus became public opinion

Keep your opinions

To yourself.

Test

Months and Months

Renew me

Renew my soul

Renew my home

Renew my community

Renew my world

We are rotting in the decay

Of a crumbling society

A corrupt organization

A struggling people

How do we continue

How do we find light

In the darkness

Meaning

In the madness

How

Do

We

Renew?

Through

You

And only You.

I've spoken to professionals before

In high school (some more legitimate than others)

On two separate occasions

Their ability to understand my needs

Was pathetic at best

And I never got the help I needed

So when life finally became too much

And I couldn't find my grounding

I took control to get the help I needed

And I found peace

And then life

Got messed up again

So back I went

For longer than I wanted

Or intended

But this time

It helped more than I could have imagined

I became someone who could make it through each day

Who could think with more clarity

And as life changes

As it is apt to do

I find myself in that place

Of life not going up in flames

But a small flicker

Starting to heat me up

Not sleeping at night

Panicking when I leave my apartment

Did I lock it?
Did I turn off the flame?

Will the whole blast explode by some freak accident?

I can't breathe

I feel unsafe

But my question is

If I believe that G-d will always protect

Is this anxiety an indicator

Of a lack of emuna?

And if so,

What is the solution?

Seven Weeks in the ED

I have been in and out of rooms

Checking up

and checking in

I know you have been waiting

I am waiting with you

Waiting to help you understand

To help you learn and be prepared

I know you are scared

This will hurt just a bit

Maybe more

But you are the bravest I have met

What is this room

And these machines

You don't belong here

Neither do I

If I had my way

I would lock the doors

Kill the electricity

And raze this building

To never have to see another sick child

A child in fear

Of being poked or prodded

If I could absorb your pain

Into my skin and bones

I would do it

If my blood could be tested instead of yours

I would be stuck a thousand times

If I could swallow those pills

Or be casted in plaster

Just so you never have to experience pain

I would be a pin cushion

Or shattered bone

Instead of you

Dear child

Children

I wish we never had to meet

But since you are here

Let me hold your hand

Let me help you understand

We are just here to help you

To help you heal

To help you hope

To help you cope

Because you can conquer this

Cough, fever, cold

Broken bone, abnormal cell count

Elevated ketones, dropping heart rate

Whatever your fate

I will hold your hand

I will stay by your side

Even In My Dreams

Even in my dreams

Or wildest wishes

I never imagined

That life could feel this way

That finding you

Would make me feel

Like I finally found the rest of me

Those pieces I had spread around the world

The shattered shards of my heart

Have somehow healed

Knowing you

Loving you

I could never have imagined

Someone as caring, kind, supportive,

Sweet, silly, smart, loving

Inspiring, exciting, adventurous

Responsible, realistic, optimistic

Honest, real or wonderful

As you

You make me feel

Like if I made wings

I would truly be able to soar

Because you lift me up

You raise me up

In ways I could never have dreamed of

Or imagined

And believe me,

I have a wild imagination

But nothing as vivid and bright

As the way you make me feel

A Life Lost

We move in these machines

Who decided this box on wheels

Would be the best way to go

This was the vehicle

That took you from one place

To another

And now

It has become your chariot

From this world

To the next

A holy soul

A pure individual

Just trying to a bit of good in the world

Trying to make sad lives a little brighter

You were a bright light

Extinguished in the dark of night

Did you fight?

Were you afraid?

How, how, how,

Why, why, why?

So many questions

Leaving gaping holes

In our pain-filled souls

A community

Feeling the incredible loss

A void that will never go away

But we will think of you every day

We will remember your goodness

Your pure, simple goodness

And may be one day soon

We will be good like you.

(For M.M. A"H)

Caught unawares

Melting by your stares

Trying to psych me out

You are totally in my head

Working your way into my heart

This beating thing

I forgot what it sounded like

I spent too long trying to shut it up

There were months when it was

Just too damn loud

Angry and sad

And now

The sound is joyful...

Full of hope

I want this 

G-d it scares me how much I do

I didn't know that I could feel this way

That the way you smile

Could make me melt

The way you just feel so real

And feel so deep

I don't want to lose this

But I am scared to hold too tight

So tomorrow is another day

And for now

I am looking forward to that.

Let Me Forget

Let me forget you

Let me forget what it means

To care for someone

Who cares for a cause

Which creates so much joy

But also

So much pain

Let me forget

The past three... four years

The time we worked together

On something greater than ourselves

Something so great

Let me forget

Let me not remember

So that when I let go

You can let go of me

And forget we ever knew each other

Let me forget you

Because remembering you

Is a memory I can no longer tolerate

The Scariest

I think the scariest thing I have ever decided was when I decided I don't want to date. And I only decided this last week.
It has been an interesting year. The secular one I mean. I dated. Got engaged. And broke my engagement all in about the span of two months. Since then I have been trying to figure out what went wrong. How did I miss the signs. And there was signs about him, the relationship... But after months of therapy and a lot of introspection, frustration and confusion, I realized that I  didn't want to date. I don't want to date. Why? Because I have so much  I want to do and dating our world is an impediment to doing those things. I had anxiety while we dated about how this other person would impact the plans I had already made, the goals I wanted to achieve and the milestones I had to reach. So... I decided I don't want to date. And since deciding this, a few things have happened.
1. Someone asked me for my resume and I procrastinated sending it. Not for lack of time but for lack of intetest. She asked again and I sent it but a) I don't expect anything to come from it and b) I'll probably say no unless he comes wearing a sign that says "I am the man G-d intended you to marry and it was decreed that I marry you in heaven." and fireworks.
2. I was taking shidduch headshots (another discussion) for a single girl not much younger than me and she asked me if I was dating and I said no. She said, good for you, bla blah blah... And then asked me what I'm looking for. In my head I laughed because right now I'm not looking but to be polite I gave her my standard answer.
3. I was getting my eye brows waxed and my estetician, who recently finalised her divorce, and knows about my broken engagement (at this point it's better that people know) asked me if I am dating again and I said no. And that was it. Because if you date when you don't want to, you might get married before you are ready and end up having  a few kids and then... Realise you didn't want to date to get married and are now getting divorced.
So, I have slowly been making peace with this decision. It is scary because I spent years, since senior year, thinking about dating and getting married and watching classmates and friends tie the knot, have a kid, two kids... But dating never felt right to me. Even the nicest, sweetest guys were wrong. Whether because of the guy himself or because I didn't want to be in this "tekufah" but now I feel more at peace. When I think about dating, it kind of makes me sick. When i think about pursuing my dreams, on my timeline, I feel calm... Satisfied.
This may change. I may feel differently in a few weeks. But for now... The scariest decision is also the safest, the more secure.

Spidey Signs

You showed me a sign today. Some kind of gentle way of telling me you are okay... you forgive me? You love me. A little spidey cookie. An icon that will forever be tied up in my memories of you. You were a hero; the real kind. You spun webs of love and I was totally caught in them. You wrapped me tight. I was enamored... kind of mesmerized by you. I always wanted to know what you were thinking... what was it like in your world, trapped in a body you had no control over, simply watching others... did you realize what an impact you had, simply by lying in your hospital bed? I don't think I fully realized myself until you were gone... I know you are in a better place. But thank for sending me a reassuring sign. Love you.

I Miss You

It's three AM. I feel like I haven't slept in days. I ache missing you. I went to your Shiva today and your abscence was so loud... A silence that was so loud I could hear your abscence above the noise of people talking. You weren't clucking for attention. The ever present sound of kids shows wasn't heard. Your machines are off. You don't need them anymore where you are. I had to adjust my mind to understand that you are not here. You aren't in your room. The hospital. You aren't in this world. And I miss you so much. No more ruffling your crazy Harry Potter-like hair. No more painting your toes Spider-Man colors. No more tongue wars or sneaky smiles. I always thought we would have another visit. I was planning for them. I had activities ready. When the SW asked if everyone for closure, I had to fight back years and bite my tongue. I have not had closure. Even at your funeral.... I cannot process that my little man, my feisty boy is now in a box... Buried. I try to console myself that you are no longer in pain. You are dancing in heaven, wearing crazy costumes and singing with a full voice. But G-d, I miss you. Death is not for the one dying. It is for everyone who is left behind to wade through the days following your paasing, trying to make sense of a short life that was cut short and pain filled. You are free from these questions and confusion. You lived days, weeks, montbs, even years beyond what anyone expected of you. We knew this day was coming. And it doesn't lessen the blow of your loss. Whatever words of comfort people try to share, nothing can take away this ache I, we, feel at your abscence. But it isn't like you didn't show up for class. It isn't like we misplaced you and now you are missing... You are gone. Just gone. But how can it be? You were the strongest soul I knew. You endured so much. I keep trying to find peace in knowing you aren't hurting but selfishly, I want one more day. I was going to visit the day you passed away. I was too late. And for now, I don't think I will get over that. I should have been there. My boy... My handsome little man. I miss you. What's going to be of this world without you in it? I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.

My hero

When I first met you,

You couldn't walk

But I soon learned

That you could fly

There were hard fought battles

To breathe, to smile;

There were tears and triumphs

There was you, a superhero

You have always had powers

Some we knew

And some we never understood

But now, I know what is true

There are those who enter this world

With a mission we cannot understand

Even more so, we question such a life

But you, you lived

I can't imagine this world without you in it

You were steady, you persevered

But now, you are dancing in a party in the sky

And I sit here missing you

After years of pain and decline

I can find peace knowing you are no longer hurting

But I will think of you always

And miss you forever.

Take me Home

I ache for you

My heart shudders with desire

To be home

To walk the stone streets

To breathe the holy air

I want to lay eyes upon

The faces that color the streets

Of the past, present and future

I want to return to the city
Where my heart felt alive

My spirit danced

My soul was on fire

There was something in the sky

In the dirt

Between the walls

I was free

I want to feel free

I want to feel limitless

I want to be home

Where my heart is

Shavuos Musings

If I am a Sefer Torah

This life is the mountain

If I am to be received

I must be readied

If I must climb a mountain

The journey should be decorated and beautiful

If there is a storm of lightning and thunder

I must be prepared to dance in the rain

If I am more precious than any imagined treasure

I must take great care to protect myself

If I am kept safe in the holy of holies

I must be as pure as gold and just as bright

If I am a Sefer Torah

G-d is waiting to give my testament to the world

Dreams

Sometimes I am scared to wake up. Sometimes my dreams feel so real, so much better than my reality. In my sleep, I feel happy and safe. I know it isn't real. I know it's just that- a dream. But aren't dreams something hold on to? To believe in? Or are those only aspirations that we create and not the products of the unconscious mind...

Is it so bad to feel so happy in those dreams? Sometimes I just want to stay asleep so I can be in that happy place.

What is the purpose of a dream? Is it a foreteller of what's to come? Is it a tease of what we want the most? Does it have some deeper, abstract meaning? 

I just want that feeling during the day. To feel safe. To feel loved. To feel adored. Why is that so hard?

I tried to find that in someone who wasn't right for me. I projected everything I wanted to feel but ultimately felt nothing. I couldn't create feelings that wouldn't come. I couldn't pretend. 

But in my dreams, it's just want I want. It's what I dream for when I am awake. I don't know how to make it happen. I am asleep and unconscious but that is when I feel most alive.

Little Light

Let's look up and wonder

Marvel in the darkness

Caught in a storm of lightning bug thunder

Grab some jars

We're off to chase our dreams

But instead we found these flickering stars

Hold onto them tight

They are trying to hide their light

And make us feel blind in the night

Caught one, maybe two

But the journey wasn't about filling up bottles

It was about being here with you

Heart

What is this

Lumpy red.... thing...

In my hand...

It beats

It bleeds

It is dripping

On the floor

(I just cleaned there)

What a mess

I confess

I don't understand the function

Of this thumping.... thing.

There are trails leading in

And out

But what is more

It is crying

Laughing

Loving

Lying

It is

A disaster of a thing

But what is worse

Than the mess it's making

Is the pathetic fact

That I am a slave

To its rhythm 

Its endless 

Unending

Thump...

Thump...

Thunk...

Two Faced

We work together.

It would never work.

I feel too strongly.

I feel everything.

He is so intuitive. 

Why does isn't he in tune to how he makes me feel?

Everyone says it's a good idea. 

Does he think so too? Will he ever?

I am his right hand woman. 

Will he ever take my left hand?

He calls me Friday. 

I wish he would call me everyday.

I get angry that he doesn't get it. 

I would do anything for him.

It's like a rollercoaster. 

He makes me feel the ups and the highs.

I don't know how much longer I can hold on. 

I have been holding on for too long.

There are two sides to every story.

And he will never know mine.