Monday, January 30, 2012

Guilty

We are all guilty.
Who can claim innocence
From the crimes we've committed?
Yet no one has admitted
To one word that's been said
Yet we are all responsible
For the people who are killed and dead.
Your friend?
Your family?
A neighbor or peer?
At the end of the day
Whether it's foggy or clear
Our hearts will contain
Every trace, every stain
Of every act
That we are unable to retract.
It's as if we tied the noose
Knotted tight so it could not come loose
As we vilified and ridiculed again and again
Like it wouldn't matter in the end
Despite the swinging body in the air
That we watched as it hung up there
And even then we could not hold back
Pointed fingers stretched out to show
That we were so smart
Yet how little we all really know.
For every victim we sent to the gallows
There should be a thousand criminals
Who shamefully rose
But no one will ever oppose
Any word they said
And no matter at all
The victim is already dead.

It happened once
It could happen again
And for all those who were killed
What will be of their end
We stomped them without shame
As we threw around their name
And danced on their grave
From the burial we gave.
None of us are innocent
We will all be held to trial
But until that day
We'll carry on for a while.

And what's even more ironic is who the criminals are...

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Heartbreak

What's the reason for this heartbreak
This heart ache
The seeds barely had a chance
To latch their roots in the ground
They were blown away...
What cruel winds
Would do such a thing
To something so small
That only sought to grow...
This rose never grew its petals
It sat shriveled in thorns
Broken and torn
Just the sad remains
And bloodstains
Of a broken heart.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Memories

I keep trying to catch this memory
To hold it in my hand
Yet, it keeps flying away
Like wisps of smoke
As faint
And as choking...
 
Because the sound of your name
Hurts to hear
And I am reminded of the day
The moment
The second
When I found out the news
 
It feels like I have been running
And can't catch my breath
Gasping
Rasping
Yet, unable
To be still my racing heart
 
I keep trying to gain closure
But it's not just another chapter
What is this life without you?
What is this world void of you?
What is my life missing you?
 
I miss you...
 
Every single one of you...

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Party

The little boy sat at the window, holding his chin in his hands. He stared out the window of his home, filled with excitement and anticipation. His friend, his role model, said he would be coming soon and that the little boy should wait for him to come because when he arrived they would have a party together. So the little boy sat and waited... and waited... He watched cars past by... and people walking their dogs... Soon, he got bored...
I am getting sort of tired of waiting and watching, he thought to himself, I'm sure my friend won't mind if I do something in the meantime while I wait. So the little boy turned on some music... he read some books... watched a few shows... colored... and as the time went by, he forgot that his friend was coming.
He occupied his time otherwise, not remembering his friend was soon to come. Then the phone rang... he picked it up... "ARE YOU WAITING??? I WILL BE THERE SOON!!!!!!" And the line went dead. The little boy was shaken up. He ran back to the window and planted himself, waiting attentively for his friend to come. He counted the seconds until... he lost track and became bored and distracted. He left the window to get something to eat... and then he decided he wanted to bake, and began baking cookies and cakes... and again he forgot his friend was coming... The phone rang again... but the voice wasn't as loud, "Don't forget... I'll be there soon!" The little boy sauntered back to the window... He wasn't nearly as excited for his friend to come... He forgot about the party his friend was planning... a huge festive meal, the most incredibly music... performances beyond anything he had ever seen... so he walked away again...
And that time, as he was busy with books and music and food, there was a knock at the door... but the little boy didn't hear it. He was too busy with his own amusements.
His friend stood in the cold... waiting... Then he looked through the front window where he expected to hear his little friend waiting... but he wasn't there... He could hear music in the distance... The little boy forgot about him.
The friend sighed deeply... he so badly wanted to celebrate but the little boy stopped waiting for him.
With a tear, he began to walk away... He waited so long to celebrate with the little boy... he decided he would come back when the little boy was ready... 
Upstairs, the little boy was singing along to his CD, totally oblivious to his friend downstairs... forgetting about the party... and his friend... He fell asleep, only to wake up in the dead of night, sweating profusely and shaking heavily... I forgot he was coming... I can't believe I forgot... He turned over, crying, shedding heavy tears...
Waiting at the end of the little boy's block was his friend. He could hear the little boy crying, and a tear of joy sprung to his eyes, and a small smile formed on his lips... He didn't forget me! I'll come to take him soon... He should not have to wait any longer... and neither should I.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Still Learning

I am still learning...

My flight to Israel was my first up-close and personal introduction to Israeli Charedi life... I was sitting in an aisle seat next to a rather large man (he had an interesting name, but I can't remember it now...) Anyhow, as we were all settling in for the flight, a Chassidish looking man came over to me quietly and asked to switch seats with me. His seat was next to a frum lady in one of the two-seater parts of the plane. I am an instinctually polite person so I quickly switched seats.
And that's sort of the theme of my life here... quickly shifting on the sidewalk, paying super close attention to how I am behaving... and acting... and dressing. This may spark some argument, especially given the recent state of the country over the Beit Shemesh controversy, and while I don't condone spitting on a eight-year-old, there is an sense of respect that must be given. Now, I am not the political type... at least, I try not to be. I've read and heard a lot about what's been going on there, I have an up-close look at life in Yerushalayim (Meah Shearim) and everything that goes on, and though I may not lean towards one side or the other, I hear both sides.
While it isn't ok to spit on people, berate them loudly on the street, call names or throw things, as the saying goes "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." For secularists in Israel, this somehow doesn't seem to apply... But if you are entering an area, the least you can do is respect their community. What do you gain by causing controversy?
I read an article in the Jerusalem Post about two girls who came dressed immodestly on to a bus hoping to stir some arguement. Much to their shock, they were spoken to politely, which furthered their fury in an attempt to make the headlines... Is it really so hard to put on a skirt? To cover up? And for the other side, not everyone can or will comply... can't you just close your eyes or look the other way? I read a recent article from another blog that added some new perspective to this, which I may post later... but for now... shouldn't our goal be about love and acceptance? Instead of hatred and rejection? Don't we all long to see the day when we are all dressed and behaving according to the will of Hashem, with Moshiach as our leader? We can't get there if we continue the way we are..

We can't go on like this...

And despite it all, I am still learning.

(Disclaimer: I do not claim to be knowledgable in any area of what has been going on, nor with the different perspectives of society... this post is simply my reflection on the matter.)

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Tin Man

Leaky and creaky
Rusty on all sides
Like a tin man
Who needs a cleaning of hides
Soiled and sullen
He's rather lost his shine
Yet this tin man
Is all mine
 
Once he glowed
Luster and radiance
Burst from his skin
Like the brightness of the sun
Now he simply
Resembles the color of mud
Dirty and decaying
His appearance is dismaying

His heart is missing
He threw it away
He didn't think he would ever
Need it for another day
Yet, something happened
What it was, I do not know
But after this journey we took
His true colors are starting to show
 

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Breathless

What captivates
And sedates
Just takes my breath away
My heart
Like a drum
The steady beat
What can compete
With how I feel
For you?

I wish for what
Seems so far away
Like a dream in the dead of night
Running through the streets
Of sleep
With the end
So far in sight...

What is more real?
Or more enchanting
Then a task that seems so daunting
To overcome
As time drags on
And beat the ticking hand...

In this race
There is no pace
And I am not prepared
I remain
Breathless, ashamed
In the gaze of your eyes
For I realize
How far I have to go.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Waiting

These are some of the strangest builders I have ever seen. Some of them come dressed as they should, with all the appopriate attire and gear and some of them come dressed for a totally different job. I sent them a memo... I told them how they should look... It's for their own good, after all. I don't want to see them get hurt.
It doesn't even look like they read through the job description. We are trying to build something... yet here they are with their sledgehammers and drills destroying the structure!
Ah, but look... there are a few good workers over there... diligently building... They are so devoted to their job and to their craft... they are even working overtime! They make me so proud... 
But what am I supposed to do about those ones... the ones that aren't doing their job right... At this rate, my building will take forever to be finished! Don't they know I am waiting? I just want to come home... I don't want to have to wait any longer! I even told them what will happen for them when the building is finished... they will join me in a lavish celebration! Their will be food and drink unlike anything they have ever tasted! They will hear music that defies the normal concept of composition and expression... 
Why aren't they doing their work properly?
Perhaps I should send start a flood.. to shake them up... to wake them up!
No... they are ignoring it...
What if I lit something on fire? Surely they will notice that!
They don't even feel the heat! The pain! They are so entrenched in their own business!
What if I took away things from them? Things they love dearly... What if I took away their siblings... and sent them somewhere else... or their parents... or even the unspeakable... their children?
Does nothing help these people??? They don't even notice all these messages I have been posting around the work site... It's as if the yellow paper and bold black lettering is just decorations to them!
But still... I love them dearly... I want to see them work hard... to devote their hearts to something... And even though now... they just aren't getting it right... I'll wait... I'll wait in this unfinished room, watching... Watching the good ones as they put up the walls, and install the lighting fixtures... Watching as the bad ones throw stones and mess up the paint job...
I don't know how much longer I'll have to remain here as the wind blows through the cracks... but until the day when my home is finished... I'll wait.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Credit

My mother called me the other night... and usually if nothing is going on, I go into guilt mode.
"I didn't do it!" I cried when I answered the phone, rehashing my day,  making sure I didn't do anything wrong. (Usually when I call it goes like this. My mother: "What did you do?" "How much will it cost me?" Or me "I didn't do it!" "I am so sorry!" Like the time I called about my 300 dollar phone bill... yea... anyhow...)
"Oh, but you will!" my mother replied. I was confounded.
Huh?
My mother proceeded to tell me that because of her fortitude and the like, she was able to help me get credits for my year in Israel through a program, which I previously was not a part of. Her timing was also impeccable: for the next two weeks, I will be taking midterms... And before, I was going to do my best but not make myself crazy because I wouldn't be receiving credits, but now, it's worth a lot more. I wasn't too upset- I have been spending a lot of time studying, if only to fulfill the nachas factor. But now, it counts. My grades could make or break how much time I spend in college, and even though I was all prepared for a four year Undergrad program, I am kind of excited that I may be able to finish earlier.
But then, it struck me as ironic... These classes always counted. Maybe not for college credit, but for my own knowledge and gain, for my parents to be proud, and for other various reasons (you can fill in the blank). Yet, now... it'll only really became apparent.
And sometimes, (wait for it...) we go through life... we have our tests... we may or may not pass... but do we really think about the credit we are going to gain? Midterms in the physical world, are like nisyonos in the spiritual world. There is studying, preparation, effort and time involved... and then the moment of truth- did I pass or not? Did I get the points or the credits I need?
Will I be able to come to college with a paper saying I earned X amount of credits? Or Y which is less?
Will I be able to come to G-d after 120 years saying I earned this and this place in Shamayim... or even more frightening, in Gehinnom? (Because we all go there at some point... It's not a bad thing! It's cleansing we all need- not punishment!) Will I be able to say, "Hey G-d, I worked hard, and I passed this test you gave me... now it's time for me to get the reward for it." Or worse... "I failed."
So... in the physical world, things are starting to matter... My grades can make or break my future plans... but in the spiritual world, they always mattered... how long does it take a person to figure it out? And when they do, will their efforts matter or will it be too late?
Think about it...

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Late

Being in Sem, I have limited internet access... Thankfully, I can still look at Reader (That's how I still keep up with all my blogs... but lack of images and videos is kin of annoying)

Anyhow, I was scrolling through my old blog posts... and realized... I missed my own anniversary. 

I have happily, and somehow suprisingly, been at the ol' blogging business for two years and almost four months...

Happy late anniversary to me...

Now what?

Crazy

They were right
The rumors are true
People
Go
Crazy
Here.
 
They can't handle
They can't be in control
They simply
Go
Crazy.
 
But to remain sane
Is the name of the game
And trying to do so
They
Go
Crazy
 
Because if something is overheard
Or written down
It could tip the scales
And derail...
So they try
Not to
Go
Crazy
 
But these straightjackets
Don't quite look the norm
And the buckles don't shut so tight
But still
They
Go
Crazy
 
The cure
Is also the curse
If you simply don't know
What you are treating...
A bout of insanity...
Reality...
Spiritualty.
 

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happy New Year

Hello New Year
Whether you are mine
Or not
I welcome you
Because every ending
Is a chance to start again
To make a plan
To get it right...
Perhaps last night
The world changed a drop
When last year stopped
And a new one came
Began it's reign
And here it is
Shining bright
Through the night
Fight or flight
It'll all be allright

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